How do I ask friends about their love lives?

Friday | January 5, 2024

Love Letters Dating

How do I ask friends about their love lives?

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My love life is great (married, two kids, house, etc.), but all of the other female friends and family in my life are single and in their 30s. I assume their biological clocks are ticking, and I know that dating in this day and age is tough. So here’s the question: is there a polite way to ask “What’s going on in your love life?”

I’m genuinely curious: I want to hear about what they’re going through and be a sounding board, but I don’t want to come off as pushy or nosy. Most importantly, I don’t want to make any of these ladies feel uncomfortable, I don’t want to force comparisons, and I don’t want to insert myself into someone else’s relationship. Thoughts?

– Nosy Nelly

Do not assume anyone’s clocks are ticking. That’s a great place to start.

Also, please know that many of these women might be happy about their relationship status. I’m probably projecting here, but when I was in my 30s, it was always very frustrating when married people looked at me like I was some kind of wounded animal.

By the time our 40s hit, more people seemed to understand that we all take different paths, and every one of them has ups and downs. As I got older, some of those same married people seemed jealous that I could be so focused on myself. Meanwhile, I had a better understanding and appreciation for what they had in their lives. I also went from assuming I was the strong one for doing so many things alone, to thinking these coupled people had twice the courage – because they let people in. Now I know we’re all pretty brave. It’s not a contest.

You can ask these friends what’s going on in their lives, in general, and see how they respond. If they don’t mention dating, they don’t want to, and that’s OK. Also, if you’re the kind of person who would do a set-up, ask them if they’d ever be open to that. You can say you don’t want to meddle, but that you want to be on the lookout if they’re interested.

Make sure you ask questions about the other parts of their life before you bring up the dating stuff. Be honest with them about what’s complicated in your world.

Keep your tone light. Really listen when someone gives you an answer. Your job isn’t to fix, only to be present.

– Meredith

Single readers! How do you like coupled people to ask about your love life? What should this LW know about her single friends?

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Featured Comment

“As someone who has been largely single in my 20s and 30s, I have often felt scared to bring up my dating life to friends – especially those in long-term relationships. I have been trying now to make a conscious effort to bring it up when it organically seems right and it has sort of been a relief to finally feel comfortable sharing that side of my life and I think my friends (who have probably wondered but never asked!) have appreciated it too. I recently had a peer ask “what does your dating life look life?” which I felt was a respectful way to ask without making any assumptions about me or my life!”

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