His Last Girlfriend Died

Wednesday | November 18, 2015

Love Letters Dating

His Last Girlfriend Died

Thanks for turning in your book reviews. I have received most of them and will run them during Thanksgiving break.

I am in a situation that is very new territory for me. I recently began dating a man whose last girlfriend passed away a little over a year ago. They were not married but together for six years. I was hesitant at first but decided to give it a go. Now I am falling in love with him.

He is a wonderful person and we have a connection that is unlike anything I have experienced. We talk and text every day. He shares the same feelings I do, but he is scared. I have told him that I completely understand his fears and that I am in no hurry to rush things.

We live more than an hour apart so we don’t get to see each other during the week. We had a very long discussion yesterday and he feels like he needs to get himself together before going any further. He said that he may want to see a grief counselor. I feel like I need to let him figure things out, and if he truly does want me, he will realize that. My only concern is whether he’ll realize it in a reasonable amount of time. That being said, I know that grief has no time limit and I think the fact that he is making the effort to work through it is a good thing. In the past three years I have lost both of my parents and my grandmother so I know the grief process. However, I know that he is going through something completely different.

I’m trying not to take this as a rejection. He was so upset to see me get upset about the possibility of him not being ready. We have been extremely open and honest with each other. We tell each other so much. There is such a deep level of comfort. As we both said, we never expected something like this to happen. I guess my question is this: Is it possible that even though he is confused and afraid now, he will want to have a loving, committed relationship with me? Could his feelings cause him to just disconnect and run away? He swears he could never do this because I am too much a part of his life. I really just want to love him and have him love me. I have never felt so connected to someone before and I am just afraid of losing it before it even has a chance to start.

– Hopeful Heart

When he says that you’re “too much a part of his life” to disconnect, what does he mean? Does that mean he plans to communicate with you while he goes through grief counseling? Does he mean that you’ll continue to see each other while he figures out what he wants? You say that he “feels like he needs to get himself together before going any further,” but that’s a little vague. Find out whether you’re hitting pause or walking away.

As you talk to him about where you stand in his life, please remember what you told us in the second sentence of this letter – that this relationship is new. It’s wonderful that there’s a deep connection, but it’s too soon to know whether your feelings are sustainable. It’s possible that he’ll decide he wants this, but that you’ll change your mind. Don’t jump to love before you’re really there.

Readers? What does he mean when he says he needs to get himself together? Has she invested too much?

– Meredith

Dating

Featured Comment

It’s tough to hear from someone you’re developing strong feelings for that s/he’s not on the same page – for whatever reason. LW, he’s not ready. That’s the bottom line. It’s on you now to decide if you want to wait, and for how long. It’s perfectly OK to stay a supportive, caring friend while he figures himself out, but also date other people. Personally, I think you would feel better knowing your life isn’t on hold and you are putting your own needs in equal territory. Good luck.

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