Hi there,

I am in a relationship with a wonderful, loving man – my first serious relationship in years. I have tried looking for advice about the dreaded “female friend,” but I can’t find any that hit the nail on the head.

He has had a friend since high school (he is 28). He was in love and intimate with her when they were younger. She is his ideal type, however she is promiscuous (leaving his place to go hook up with another guy in the same night), and the type to keep interested guys hanging on as possible candidates, if only to stroke her ego. I was not concerned about her at all until I found out that after an argument, he went to her about our fight. What she said about me was so hurtful – that I was damaged and that I came with baggage from a previous bad relationship (I have a child) – but I tried to move on from it.

He lied about going to parties with her and drinking with her. Then, his birthday comes and she texts him how much she loves him, with all of the cutesy, kissy emojis. A few weeks later, he proactively tells me she sent a two-part text, where she calls him by the special nickname she has for him, and goes on to tell him how lucky she is to know him and have him in her life, and how much she loves him. I am unsettled by this. I have no desire to meet her, knowing what she has said about me and my child, and I am unsure about how to discuss the need for boundaries for what I consider inappropriate behavior between people who are “just friends.”

I want to trust my boyfriend – besides this girl who randomly pops up, he hasn’t given me any reason not to – but if this behavior continues, I feel my trust will wane. He is afraid to set boundaries and hurt their friendship, but I feel his lack of action is disrespectful, and a real friend would understand how her flirtatiousness is unnecessary and being interpreted the wrong way. Can you give me any advice on how to salvage trust in their friendship? And in him?

– She’s not a friend