I am madly in love with the man I’m dating. The only problem is he’s still married. Before you roll your eyes, you should know that he’s been separated from his wife for five years, ever since he found out she was cheating on him. They did not get divorced right away for financial reasons. Five years after being separated, he went over to her apartment to have the final divorce papers signed, and she complained of a sharp pain in her side. He took her to the hospital and she was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and was given months to live. She said she wanted his name on her grave – as in, she didn’t want to get divorced. Meanwhile, it’s been over a year and he is still very involved in her life and caters to her every need. Trust me, I have no problem with him bringing her to chemo appointments or being there for emotional support, but it’s the constant attention she needs from him, and he gives her, that I have a problem with.

Her family does not live far from here, but has not come to visit because she told them they are not welcome due to the fact that she knows if they come he will not be as involved in her life as she would like him to be. She knows about me, but it’s not really acknowledged because he feels like he can’t hurt her feelings. I don’t know how else to say this without sounding like a cold-hearted person, but how long am I supposed to be OK with this? Again, I have no idea what it would be like to have a diagnosis like hers, but I just don’t know how long I can go on with our relationship being second to her. Am I being completely unreasonable? How do I set healthy boundaries?

– Setting Boundaries