He’s Making Plans Without Me

Tuesday | March 10, 2015

Love Letters Dating

He’s Making Plans Without Me

Hi Meredith,

I’m in my early 30s and have been in a relationship with a kind, thoughtful man I love very much for the last two years. We have had our ups and downs but we are happy. However, last week my boyfriend lost his job. This has devastated him as he worked incredibly hard, was well respected, and successful at his job.

This has complicated our relationship. He has withdrawn from me. I am being supportive and trying to understand his need for space and time to figure out what his next step will be. He has always wanted to go to grad school and pursue a PhD. He is considering programs out of state and has not mentioned anything to me about joining him, what this would mean for our relationship or my career, etc. It feels like I am not a factor in his decision.

I saw a real future for us. I don’t know how to address my concerns without it seeming that I’m trying to influence his decision or make this about me.

– Lowest Priority

First, it’s only been a week. A lot of what’s coming out of his mouth right now is angry talk fueled by fear and disappointment.

Once you’ve hit the 10-day mark, you can start thinking about his plans and telling him what you want. You can make it clear that you’re there for him but that you need to know how you fit into his future. You can tell him that you’re feeling left out and that you’d like to be a part of the discussion.

Don’t worry about making it about you. Because it is about you (both of you). Wait the 10-ish days and tell him that you want to talk about “us.”

Readers? Should she talk to him about her concerns? Why is he planning without her?

– Meredith

Dating Job Loss

Featured Comment

LW – both of your boats have been completely rocked. He is trying to adjust to being unemployed, and is looking towards the future. The future that you see with him is suddenly up in the air. What you need to do is COMMUNICATE. If you find it hard to do this after being in the relationship for two years, then maybe it is time to move on.

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