Dear Meredith,

My boyfriend and I are both in our early 30s, have been together for 2-plus years, and have been living together for a year.
The good: I love my boyfriend dearly and don’t picture myself with anyone else. Seeing him is the highlight of my day. He’s a big source of support for me. My family lives far away and is always in crisis. He’s always helpful, whether just listening to me or even offering to move back with me if I want. He copes well with my emotional ups and downs, which can be quite pronounced. He is my first real long-term relationship. I’m the only woman he’s wanted to spend his life with. We laugh, have very satisfying sex, enjoy spending our free time cooking and cuddling up to a movie. We enjoy in-depth and philosophical discussions and challenge each other with differing opinions. He is incredibly good looking and my attraction toward him grows every day.

The bad: He’s been very vocal and critical about my weight, my clothes, and my hairstyle … virtually everything. Although his delivery stinks, his suggestions are often good ones, and in turn I’ve made changes (lost weight, wear more flattering clothes, changed my hair). I hate the criticism but I want him to be attracted to me so these aren’t deal-breakers. Sadly, he is just now starting to get his life together as an adult. He lived rent free in an apartment in his parents’ multi-family home. He has moved from hourly job to hourly job, but since we met he’s expressed intention to find a career and build a life and family together. Two years later — although he has a great opportunity on the horizon (hopefully starting a career program soon) — not much has changed. His debts have gone into default. I make plenty of money and don’t mind taking on the lion’s share of the expenses under the condition that it won’t be like this forever. I find myself trying to get his life together for him. I update his resume to apply for jobs I find, I steer him toward more fiscally responsible decisions, and try to get him to be more open-minded about trying new things.

He is introverted and prefers to stay home instead of going out. People in my life comment about him being anti-social and how I now skip a lot of social events. He does come along if I tell him it’s very important to me, but I spend my time making it as painless as possible for him and usually cutting the visit short. I am extroverted, love social situations, and try every adventure that crosses my mind. My friends want to spend more time with us and get to know him better but he’s not keen on the idea. He generally despises the public and hates the state of the world. Whereas I love meeting new people, think we should be the change we want to see in the world (cheesy wording, I know), volunteer, and work in the public service sector.

I spend a lot of time wondering if we make good life partners. Do people who belong together spend this much time working on and questioning their relationships? Am I making mountains out of molehills? Do our differences help make each other grow or am I metaphorically trying to fit two round pegs into a square relationship?

– Lost But in Love