My boyfriend and I are in our 50s. We’ve been together for 5 years. I have always looked up to him; he’s very smart handsome and will do anything for me. Sounds like the perfect man, but I caught him in a huge five-year lie.

I am a very strict vegan, and go to all the animal rights demonstrations. He has gone with me a few times. I knew he was not vegan when I met him, and I never asked him to become vegan. He said he stopped eating meat months after we met. He would even go as far as criticizing people who would eat meat.

Well, one day I let myself into his apartment. I opened the fridge and felt so disappointed! I had never seen so much meat in a fridge. I was sick to my stomach with disappointment; the trust was gone in seconds. It wasn’t so much the meat (but I do feel bad for the animals), it was that he was not who he said he was. I confronted him and asked questions but didn’t mention what I’d seen in the fridge. He lied again and said I was wrong. Finally, I showed him the pictures I took of the inside of his fridge and gave him his keys, which he forgot he gave me.

Since then, more stuff keeps coming out. I’m looking for things now, I guess. It turns out he has a lot of “women friends” he still talks to. He’s also used a phone sex line during our relationship. He said he hadn’t used it in months, but then I asked him if I could see his phone bill. He had used it recently. I saw that he would call me, and then minutes later would call the line. Sometimes he’d call three to four times a day. Whenever I catch him in a lie, he says “it’s not a big deal.”

I feel like I look crazy and jealous, and that there’s gaslighting in this relationship. He tells me he’s never cheated on me, but my gut tells me he is lying about that, too.

What should I do? I keep telling him we should break up, and now he wants to go to counseling! I’m so confused.

– Confused