He’s In A Funk

Friday | February 19, 2016

Love Letters Dating

He’s In A Funk

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Mere,

Longtime reader. Here’s my situation: I started dating a guy seven months ago. We became exclusive and serious relatively quickly. He’s a wonderful guy: attractive, smart, caring. Lives close by. The same age (late 30s). Things had been going really well and we were both excited about the future – until he got laid off. Since then, his behavior and personality have changed a lot in general and toward me.

He isn’t looking for work out of sheer laziness. He’s doing a lot of drinking and smoking. He stopped working out. His libido has virtually disappeared. I’ve tried to be as supportive as possible – having him over to dinner to break up his week, offering to help with resume writing, planning fun dates, etc., but our relationship seems to be devolving. We see each other less and less, and his affection is waning. He rarely calls anymore, communicating only by text.

At first I thought that he might just be a little depressed due to the layoff. I told him I was concerned about him and he admitted that was part of it. He blamed it on wintertime. He refuses to see a doctor about it. After about two months of this, I told him that I felt a change between us and was unsure what to do. I asked him flat-out if he needed space because he didn’t seem very invested in the relationship anymore. He said that he loves me and he’s just in a funk. And that he’s “scared.” I love this guy and would do anything to help him through this “funk,” if it truly is that. I don’t want to break up, but I can’t ignore that things have seriously changed between us and I’m starting to feel really stupid. I guess my general question is: Should I continue to be patient and supportive, let him sort this career out when he’s ready, and hope things improve in general, or am I being an idiot who is not reading the writing on the wall that he’s just not that into me anymore? I have tried to talk honestly to him about all of this.

– Bad Timing?

Only stay if he wants to come up with a plan to make things better. If he says, “I’m going to see a therapist to work this out,” you can see how it goes. If he says, “I’m going to take you up on that resume offer,” you can stick it out.

But if his plan is to continue the funk, you can bail. Because you don’t want to commit to a guy who copes with stress by retreating from you.

You say that his behavior has changed when it comes to your relationship – and in general. I’m wondering about the “in general” part. If he’s managing to maintain other relationships with friends and family during this funk, you can feel better about leaving. If the real chill is in your direction, the answer is clear.

– Meredith

Readers? Should she stick around? What about the “scared” comment?

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Featured Comment

Being laid off sucks, and can be really hard on people if they identify strongly with their careers. I’ll give him that. I’d say if he was taking time to reconsider his options and do some soul searching about his next step, then yes, by all means stay. But 2 months of being completely unproductive and withdrawing from you doesn’t point to anything good. 7 months in you don’t have a lot invested to fight for here. It’s up to you but I’d say this is all part of learning who he is, and you don’t like it, so move on.

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