I’m a middle-aged female and met a middle-aged man on a dating site over the summer. Things have been going well, but I haven’t been feeling emotional growth. You know, nothing about his day or feelings, not much communication during the week except short messages (like “good morning, Beautiful”). We see each other on the weekends, go places, do things, and have sex. 

He always talks about several female friends who all seem to live far away now. One he mentions every time we’re together. He talks about what they did together, what she likes, etc. I’ll admit I get a gut punch when he says her name for some reason. One day he got teary eyed after checking an email. No, I didn’t read it myself. Then he wasn’t able to perform sexually. He became adversarial with me. He mentioned she’s having issues in her relationship. He said he talks about our relationship to her. I said I don’t know if I’m OK with that. 

I asked if she approved of me and he shook his head no. He truly cares for her, that’s clear. I didn’t ask questions – until he offhandedly mentioned that they talk about issues surrounding sex (like what we experienced that day). That seemed odd to me. He also made some remarks to me that made me feel self-conscious. It didn’t feel good emotionally. I ruminated on it.

I sent an early morning email telling him that if he’s talking about our intimate details, it’s a yellow flag to me–- that he pushes me away when she’s on his mind and I wish he wouldn’t. He basically said they are exes and have been good friends for five-plus years, she is now out of state, she was there to chat during his lonely pandemic days, and he needs her in his life. He said he tells her everything. I said that’s a back burner relationship and that I felt lousy about it. He mentioned he wants me to meet his female friends now that we discussed them. I said it feels like we’re only casual now, so meeting them doesn’t feel right. That it feels like our relationship is just sex. He denied that’s what it is. I expressed desire to end it with him, then he told me he “loves” me so I worked through my emotions. We do have fun. I feel I can forgive him. He didn’t ask forgiveness nor see he did anything wrong. I think I’ve overcome feeling emotional about it, but I’m worried my bad feelings will come back again.

My question is: am I overreacting? Is this the new normal to keep in touch with exes?

– Meredith