Hi Meredith,

For the past nine months I have been exclusively dating a wonderful man, “Bob.” We are very compatible and have had frank talks about a long future together, including marriage and children.

Some background before I get to the dilemma. Bob grew up devoutly religious and was expected to date and marry exclusively within that religion (which, by the way, meant no premarital sex, cohabitation, etc). I, on the other hand, have lived a more mainstream life — have dated lots of guys, lived with someone, etc. About four years ago, Bob left the religion and now leads as unconstrained and secular lifestyle.

Recently I saw a nice photo of us that was taken at an event. I asked Bob to post the photo on his Facebook page (I am not on Facebook). It would have been the first time he posted a photo of me on his Facebook, which I previously had not thought was weird because he posts infrequently. When Bob balked at doing this, I learned that he did not want an ex-girlfriend whom he’d dated while religious (and the ex is still a devout believer) to see the photo. He did post the photo, but we had a talk thereafter.

Turns out, he thinks he loves both of us. Their relationship was for six months and ended four years ago when he left their religion. He said that if his ex ever disavowed their religion, he would “be in a tough spot,” even if we were still together. For what it’s worth, she lives thousands of miles away. Their only contact now is that they are Facebook friends but they do not even communicate through Facebook regularly.

It seems to me that our relationship is just a safety net for him in case the ex remains devout. I’m hurt and confused. It’s like our relationship depends on his ex maintaining her spirituality — something neither one of us can control. On the other hand, there are never any guarantees in a relationship that either party won’t meet someone else and end their current coupling.

My instinct is to run. Correct, no?

– The Devil You Know