He Doesn’t Want To Fight

Monday | August 29, 2011

Love Letters Dating

He Doesn’t Want To Fight

Hi Meredith,

I was wondering if you could elaborate some more on your response to a recent love letter:

“I’ve always been told that I should do whatever makes me happy.”
Who told you that? They don’t even say that to little kids on “Sesame Street.” Please wipe that piece of advice from your brain. It doesn’t make any sense and it’s turned you into an entitled liar.

I was recently fed the same line by my boyfriend, who has convinced himself he is unhappy in our relationship because of a recent fight we had. It makes perfect sense in his mind — why stay in a relationship that isn’t making him happy? I’ve tried to tell him that all relationships involve good and bad, ups and downs, and that no relationship is perfect. It will never be 100% happy, 0% fighting. But he isn’t convinced. He still says his happiness takes priority, and since he can only be happy if there is zero fighting, he is ready to walk away. I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts?

– Not Making Sense, Boston

So yeah, NMS, I said that. But my advice doesn’t apply to your boyfriend. I said that stuff about a guy who was cheating on his wife because it made him “happy.” Your letter is very, very different. You’ve got a boyfriend who’s telling you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship that involves bickering. Nothing I said to that first letter writer applies to your guy.

My fear, in your case, is that your boyfriend isn’t being straight with you about what would make him “happy.” Everybody knows that couples fight. Everybody knows that an occasional argument can actually help a relationship grow. Is it possible that he just wants out because he’s ready to end this relationship with or without the fighting? Is it possible that he’s just done and needs a reason to cut the cord?

You have to ask your boyfriend whether he’d want to stay with you even if you could go through life together without any more fights. See if he’ll be honest about his feelings. He says he wants to be happy, right? Can he ever really be happy in this relationship? Can you?

You shouldn’t have to convince him that he’s happy. If he says he’s not and that he wants to leave, all you can do is listen and do what’s best for you. I want you to be happy.

Readers? Is this really about him not wanting to fight? Does my advice for the first letter writer have anything to do with the second? How happy should this guy expect to be? What’s going on here? Discuss.

– Meredith

Dating