He Doesn’t Check In

Thursday | March 5, 2015

Love Letters Dating

He Doesn’t Check In

Meredith,

I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for about a year and we are deeply in love. The problem is that he will go for several days without communicating with me (via email, phone, or text). I’ve told him that I just like touching base, but he likes his space and he initiates a call/text every three days or so. I see him every weekend and one weeknight.

I know he’s not cheating on me and I know he loves me (he tells me so, makes plans our future, says he would like to work toward marriage some day) but he seems to need his space. My girlfriends tell me that they couldn’t handle the lack of communication, and it’s starting to get on my nerves.

This is minor in the grand scheme of life, right? I neglected to mention that his wife died a year ago and he was married to her for 30 years. We are both in our 50s.

– Incommunicado in CT

If I’m doing the math right, you’ve been together since his wife died — without much space in between. Your boyfriend might need alone time to process all of the change. He might not be ready to have a daily routine with someone new.

I understand that you guys have pledged your love and have talked about the future, but this relationship is still kind of new, at least for him. Your best bet is to revisit this issue in another few months or so. Maybe your routine will change organically. Or maybe a few simple texts won’t seem like such a big deal after he’s had more time to get comfortable on his own.

Again, it’s been a year, but it’s been a lot at once. You’re with someone who needs to pace himself.

Readers? Will the routine change? What can she ask of him and when?

– Meredith

Dating