I don't even want to be his friend

Monday | March 4, 2024

Love Letters Dating

I don’t even want to be his friend

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I’m having an issue with a guy I’ll call John. We know each other because we used to share a hobby.

He has no qualms about putting his and others’ safety at risk to show off, and has to be the best at everything all of the time. He’s conceited and manipulative. The venue we went to for our hobby had to close before I could bring forward any substantial concerns about his continued participation in the activity, but I still have to see John regularly due to personal circumstances.

Needless to say, he’s difficult to be around. Also: I strongly suspect John is interested in me. We’re both single and actively trying to date. He’s swiped in the affirmative on a particular dating app we both use (I did not do the same). Recently, he’s been asking me about my weekend plans, either by text or in person (he got my phone number to coordinate events when the venue was still open). When I ask him why he’s asking, he dodges the question, saying he was “just wondering,” or some variation.

I don’t want to spend time with him in a personal setting, date, or otherwise. While I’ve been trying to figure out how to handle this, I’ve also been trying not to put out any illusion that I’m “leading him on.” I’ve been making myself busy over the weekends and don’t offer to reschedule. I avoid him in person, don’t initiate conversations, and keep responses short. I feel bad about not being more up front about my lack of interest, but it feels awkward to reject him romantically when he hasn’t actually asked me on a date (I’m starting to wonder if this is intentional on his part).

It feels crass to tell him outright that I don’t want to even be friends because I just don’t like him as a person. Also, knowing his personality, I’m worried he might take badly to a blunt rejection, and I have no choice but to continue to interact with him. I’m not sure how to get him to lay off. Is there a good way to handle this?

– Not Interested

It’s difficult to reject someone before they ask you out. It might be easier if he told you he wanted to date you. Then you could give him a definitive answer about how you feel.

I do think you can ignore some of these texts. If he asks what you’re doing (using a phone number you did not give him), you can choose not to respond. You can even block the number.

But consider that being blunt – or clear – might help. Sometimes we have to tell people we’re not available for friendship. It’s awkward, but it can reset expectations.

You can tell him you’d like to keep your relationship limited to the hobby (or whatever keeps him in your life). You don’t have to say, “I don’t like you.” There’s a version of this that’s all about what you want. As in, “I’m only going to respond to group texts about our shared activity.”

Sometimes it feels like being honest is the same as being rude. That’s not true. Also, he might not be able to read the room on his own. This might be what he needs, too.

If you have safety concerns – more than just questions about awkwardness – make that known to people who can help, such as organizers of your hobby, friends, people who you see a lot, etc. You don’t have to monitor this on your own, especially if you’re going to send an uncomfortable text.

You shouldn’t have to make yourself busy to avoid one person. You can tell everyone – including him – where you draw lines.

– Meredith

Readers? Any words you would use to set boundaries? Or would you ignore the texts? Any other ideas? Who would you keep in the loop about this?

Dating Unrequited Love Crush

Featured Comment

“The guy is awkward. He may have one or more neuro conditions and this could be a reason he has trouble behaving appropriately or picking up on social cues. While I understand he’s annoying, try to have a perspective that includes a bit of compassion.
You could say lightly the next time he asks you about the weekend, etc.,’Hey John, nice of you to ask, but I’m busy all the time right now with work and other things and am not looking to hang out. Nothing personal toward you.’ This is best done in person, again being light and friendly. If there are any more overtures, do not respond. If he becomes stalky, then that’s another matter.

If your situation involves mutual friends who date, don’t go to all the group hangouts. It’s good to broaden your social and hobby horizons, e.g., you can find a new ‘hobby place,’ even if you have to travel further (stay privaabout this). Try some new hobbies and other ways to make new acquaintances and friends instead of sticking to the same old clique.”

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