He wasn't her cousin

Wednesday | March 5, 2025

Love Letters Dating

He wasn’t her cousin

Thinking about a breakup, dating, a divorce, doing none of the above? What’s on your mind? Send your own letter here – or to [email protected].

Hi Meredith,

I’ve developed romantic feelings for a coworker from a different department. We often cross paths in the office and have started chatting regularly, even grabbing coffee and lunch together occasionally. The more time I spend with her, the more interested I become in seeing if this work friendship could grow into something more. She’s a great listener and seems genuinely interested in getting to know me. However, she shares very little about her life outside of work, only mentioning her close-knit family and interests, but not her friends.

Recently, I gave her two extra tickets to a sporting event. She accepted and said she would bring her male cousin. However, she showed up with a guy she introduced as her boyfriend. This was a surprise since she never mentioned having a boyfriend in any of our conversations, chats, or texts. I’m disappointed and feel there’s a lack of honesty and openness on her part. Knowing there’s no chance of this progressing beyond a work friendship, should I even continue this work friendship?

– Mr. Disillusioned

Maybe the boyfriend is new. Maybe she was testing out the word “boyfriend” for the first time.

I don’t know.

The big question is: Do you want a friendship with this woman if there’s no chance of more? It sounds like you don’t know.

If you’re on the fence, you could ask her to hang out after work. Grab a beer. Then you’ll find out what she’s like outside of the office. Maybe you won’t like her as much, or maybe you’ll like her too much.

Perhaps you’ll realize that friendship is a great option.

Honestly, if she told you everything about herself but didn’t mention the boyfriend, I’d be annoyed. But she hasn’t said a lot about her personal life, right? This has been pretty one-sided. Great listeners do that sometimes. They make other people feel seen, but you realize you don’t know enough about them. You have to ask more questions. You can’t make assumptions.

My vote: ask for the post-work outing. Find out more about her. Then decide what you want.

– Meredith

Readers? Is it worth continuing the friendship? If not, how does one back away at work?

Thinking about a breakup, dating, a divorce, doing none of the above? What’s on your mind? Send your own letter here – or to [email protected].

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Featured Comment

Now you are disappointed but if you give yourself some time to get over it, then you can think about whether you can be an actual friend or whether you will just be waiting and hoping she becomes single again.

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