He wants someone with the same hobbies
Sorry for taking vacation this week. (Well, sort of. It’s nice to see relatives and get away.) We’ll have letters today and Thursday.
And, of course, send letters. I want to come home to many questions about love, politics, when to define the relationship, divorce, etc.
Also, thank you to those who’ve already sent me their stories about how the pandemic affected your relationships. Keep sending; I’m reading all of them.
Q.
I’m a woman in my mid-30s trying online dating for the first time with some success. I got out of a long-term relationship late last year, and after months of therapy to help me process, I started dating again this summer.
I’ve been seeing someone for two months now. He lives in a city a few hours away from me and we have been seeing each other almost every weekend. We recently had a talk about the pace of the relationship and seemed very aligned in how we’re feeling. He mentioned that labels (girlfriend/boyfriend/partner) aren’t particularly important to him and I shared that they are to me, but it is something I want to explore later on, after a few more months of getting to know each other. He seemed to be in agreement.
Our sex life has been excellent. We have the most intellectually stimulating conversations, and we’re both crushing pretty hard. The distance does give me some concern, but I have had a tendency to move pretty fast in past relationships, so I appreciate how much more intentional the distance has made me about the time we spend together.
Everything sounds good, and it is! But I’m also cautious, having gotten out of such a long-term relationship, especially because the breakup happened around this time last year. It’s dredging up some fears (I have been sharing all of this with my therapist).
He mentioned how it is really important to him to have shared hobbies and activities with a partner. In the past he’s struggled with getting bored with routine. I generally thrive on routine and have never gotten bored with a partner, but I also have been the type of person that has made my partner’s hobbies my own. I get excited about the things that my loved ones get excited about, but am at a time in my life where I really want to pursue things that excite me. I want to be mindful that we both decide to pursue activities and hobbies that we both find engaging and that help us connect, but also don’t necessarily think that we need to be pursuing the same hobbies to have a solid relationship (though I’m not opposed to the idea). He’s also fairly new to his city, while I was born and raised in mine. We’re both really mindful of the fact that he needs to build a community where he is outside of a romantic relationship.
Nothing is wrong. I think I’m being overly cautious because I haven’t felt this excited about someone in so long. I would love some thoughts of advice on how to navigate these slight anxieties thoughtfully as we continue to get to know each other.
– Cautiously Optimistic in Florida
A.
I love that you’re excited, but it’s only been two months.
At this point, can you give yourself a break about naming potential problems? Instead, try asking yourself, “Was today good? Was I happy to be in this relationship today?”
Easier said than done, I know. You’re optimistic about where this could go, so you want to get ahead of the bad stuff. But you can’t.
You can notice things, of course. You can wonder whether the shared hobbies request will become an issue. But the specifics – the answers –will become clear over time.
For the record, I support you on the hobbies. It’s wonderful to love doing stuff with a partner, but it seems necessary to enjoy many activities that are all your own.
My guess, based on your letter, is that the last breakup looms large, and that it would be nice if it didn’t. Again, that’s a time thing. The distance in this relationship might help you continue to get used to being on your own while trying something new – with lower stakes.
And the stakes are lower. If you decide this isn’t working after another few months, it will have been an interesting relationship – a learning experience before the next one.
You can’t jump from 0 to 100 with this new guy because you’re used to being in something serious. Let it feel a little casual for now. There’s real potential, but it’s too early to know more.
You’re doing great, with or without him.
– Meredith
Readers? How do you calm yourself down about someone in the early months of a relationship? How to you enjoy now without looking too far ahead?
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