He supports his parents

Friday | June 21, 2024

Love Letters Dating

He supports his parents

Hi Meredith,

I have been dating my boyfriend (let’s call him Carl) for six years now. Carl is extremely close with this family, going home nearly every day to visit them, even with work obligations.

Up until we moved in together, I did not notice this as much. However, we have lived together for the last few years, and Carl always seems to be at his parents’ place.

Carl opened up to me about how both he and his brother pay his parents’ mortgage, due to some family financial issues that date back to 2009 (yes, the market crash). Apparently, Carl and his brother have been taking care of his parents since then.

I love Carl, but his parents are not only financially very demanding, they are also emotionally demanding. Nearly every week there is a new drama on the horizon. Both Carl and I come from parents who are older (i.e. both our fathers are in their late 70s and we are in our late 20s), but my parents are the polar opposite of Carl’s.

They are independent and constantly encourage me to branch out, take risks, and most of all, never ask me for a dime. It wasn’t until about a year ago that I realized how concerning this actually was. I want to have my own family some day, but I don’t see it being possible with Carl because he would have to be supporting two families – his parents, and if we were to get married, then we would both be working.

I also worry about moving forward with Carl because this puts a great deal of stress on him and he takes it out on me. He will come to me to vent, and if I give my opinion, he freaks out.

When I asked him why his parents wont sell their multi-million dollar home and downsize to help their kids (and maybe get some cash for them?), he told me his parents said they would only be leaving them the house when they pass, and that they won’t be moving. In my opinion, I do not see it ending well for Carl or his brother – because there is no way their parents will be able to sustain living in a house that large, especially since they are having health issues already.

His parents are constantly asking him for money, and even joke that I better make the “big bucks.” This has been weighing on me and I don’t know what to do. His parents are nice for the most part, although dramatic and judgmental. I just worry that Carl and I will never be able to have a life of our own if he is always supporting them. I find myself wondering “Where do I fit in, in this big mess that seems to be his life?” I know this is not his fault, but I resent his family for doing this to him, and I don’t want to end up hateful, or worse, in the middle of it.

– Financially torn

Are you partners? Planning a life together?

If so, it’s time to figure out whether you share the same values when it comes to family, finances, and commitment.

Let’s say you and Carl used the same bank account. Would you be comfortable helping his family? Would he help yours? How would you make that kind of decision together?

Also, why does he see his parents every day? Does he want to? Maybe he does because he’s concerned.

Perhaps he likes seeing them.

Or not.

You’ve figured out that this is a problem for you, but you don’t seem to know what’s at the heart of his choices. You’re not sure how this might affect your future – whether his routine would be different if the two of you had more needs of your own.

I recommend therapy – together. Because this is difficult stuff to talk about! A third party might help you get answers instead of responses laced with exhaustion and irritation.

People might tell you that at some point, Carl’s parents won’t be around, and this problem will go away. You’ll have the house money and the obligations will disappear.

But there might be new concerns, because this is about how you respond to the needs of loved ones forever. How do you show up for others without losing yourselves and what you have? Where are the boundaries?

Maybe you’d be more open to Carl seeing his parents every day if they were more generous. Or … maybe you don’t want a partner who dedicates this much time to relatives. That would be a good thing to know about yourself.

Figure out what’s underneath all of this, and whether you and Carl share values when it comes to caregiving, in general. Then decide what to worry about.

– Meredith

Readers? Is this too much pressure on a relationship? Different values? Should the LW be concerned about finances and the future Do you have in-laws who need this kind of help? Do you mind?

Send me a letter this weekend. If you’re wondering about relationships (dating, divorce, breakups, singleness, and friendships), send a question to the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

“I want to have my own family some day, but I don’t see it being possible with Carl because he would have to be supporting two families.
—-
You should be honest with ‘Carl’ about your concerns. The fact that you can’t be honest with him is more of an issue than what his parents expectations are.
You are living together and should already be having discussions about budget, individual contributions and goals for the future. Sounds like that hasn’t happened.
Once the two of you have a discussion about the budget for YOUR dual household; then he (and you) will know how much is reasonable to assist his parents.

Let’s say after budgeting; he can assist his parents mortgage with $500 vs $1,000; whatever the number is; then HE then talks to his brother about what HE can contribute. Ultimately, the parents get to decide but it’s up to him and his brother to see boundaries and be clear with their parents on how much they can help.”

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