He struggles with commitment
Thinking about a crush, single life, a breakup, a complicated friendship, dating, a divorce, doing none of the above? What’s on your mind? Send your own letter here – or to [email protected].
Q.
I have been dating this man for over four years. He’s absolutely my best friend and I can absolutely see us growing old together. The problem is that I have asked him what we are many times and the conversation never goes anywhere. I do feel that he cares for me but struggles with commitment.
We are both in our 40s and I am divorced. He’s never been married. I don’t feel that he is seeing anyone else or playing games. Being in a committed relationship is important to me for our future. I’m not sure how to approach the conversation to move us forward. Any advice is appreciated.
– The Future
A.
“What are we?”
That might be a difficult question. How about trying some more specific ones?
“Could you see yourself moving in with me? Would you like to plan a vacation that might not happen until 2026? Do you mind if I put you down as my emergency contact?”
There are no perfect questions – and I do not recommend asking all of those at once. But they might lead you to real answers. Get granular about what you want to know.
If you’re not even sure about exclusivity, start there. That’s a big one.
You can also ask for what you want. As in, “Hey, I’d like to start looking for a new place, and I need to know whether I’d be living with you.”
Speaking from experience, it can be difficult for longtime single people to consider … less independence. But an idea that worked on longtime single me was, “Let’s see how this goes, and hope it keeps going.” That’s the big thing, right? No one knows the future – no one has final answers – but if two people hope it keeps working, that’s all they need.
What does he hope for?
Ask him. He doesn’t have to tell you if he can keep this going for the rest of his life. All you need to know is that he wants it keeps working, and is open to planning like it might.
If he can’t tell you that, think about a change.
– Meredith
Readers? How have you talked about commitment and next steps and defining the relationship? What if a significant other doesn’t love those questions?
Thinking about a crush, single life, a breakup, a complicated friendship, dating, a divorce, doing none of the above? What’s on your mind? Send your own letter here – or to [email protected].
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