You said you talked to him about this, but you didn’t tell us how he responded.

If he’s unwilling to discuss any of it, that could be a deal-breaker. Not because he can’t do what he used to do, but because he’s unwilling to do the work to make things better, even if “better” looks different.

I assume you want to be with someone who would talk to a doctor or therapist – or you – about a problem. At the very least, you want to be with a partner who’s clear about his needs. As in, “That experience rattled me, and I just need a bit of space in my own house. Please be patient.”

I do wonder how you framed your feelings. Be very clear that it’s not just about sex, but about the general physical intimacy. You don’t like sleeping without him.

This stuff can be tough to talk about! A few letters ago, I told someone that their partner might have an easier time writing things down than saying them out loud. That might be the case here, too – that a 100-percent honest text session might work better than a face-to-face analysis of what happened.

In-person would be nicer, but consider other options. 

You can also help by taking the pressure off the ritual of it all. If he wants to sleep next to you fully clothed, and on his side of the bed, that should be OK. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. 

Ask him more about his needs – and get specific about yours.

– Meredith