He Shares A Two-family With His Ex

Friday | November 20, 2015

Love Letters Dating

He Shares A Two-family With His Ex

Former letter writers: Send some updates. Let us know how it all worked out and whether our advice helped. Send your updates to meregoldstein at gmail. Include your original email address so I know it’s you.

I’ve been dating a wonderful man for about six months. I met him at work. He is sweet, supportive, and loving, and nearly everything about our relationship is exactly what I’ve always wanted. Although he is 15 years older than me and has children, I can see myself being happy with him for a long time. There’s something I’m concerned about, though, and it’s the fact that he is still legally married. He has been separated from his ex for about three years, however there is no talk about finalizing a divorce, mainly for financial reasons, but also because of the kids. He lives in a two-family home with his ex on one side and him on the other so he can see his children, who are still in school, all the time. I haven’t been there. Obviously, I didn’t choose to fall in love with someone in such a complicated situation. I’ve talked to him about getting divorced, about getting his own place with room for his kids, but it always comes back to the money problem. I don’t want to be in the same place in this relationship five years down the road, but the time we spend together is worth the time we spend apart. We’ve taken trips together, go on dates every week, and have met some of each other’s family. Am I too blind to see that I am waiting for something that will never happen?

– Complicated

We’ve had a run of letter writers who claim to be in love with someone they’ve only known for a few months. Sometimes feelings are fast like that, but for the most part, real connections take time. You’re still getting to know this man and how he deals with his life. Don’t assume it’s grownup love until you know what it’s like to be part of his world.

It’s possible that he’ll get divorced and find a better living situation over time, but you might have to wait until those kids are out of high school. Instead of hoping and guessing, ask him where he plans to be in five years. Ask him how he’s managed to date before, and whether those women were ever allowed in his home. Find out whether his wife has her own romantic life and what rules they’ve come up with for their two-family household.

You say that the time you spend together is worth the time spent apart. That’s true for now, but your feelings might change. It sounds like you need more answers, more time, and to acknowledge that it’s way too early to say whether he’s “exactly what you’ve always wanted.” Right now, part of him is, but the rest of him isn’t.

Readers? Should she end this now? Is it too early for decisions? Is she in love?

– Meredith

Family 🖤 Dating

Featured Comment

Can somebody please explain to me how all these people manage to fall in love in a matter of weeks or a few months? Am I emotionally stunted? Is it my parents’ fault?

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