He says the underwear is from a long time ago

Monday | February 5, 2024

Love Letters Dating

He says the underwear is from a long time ago

What’s been on your mind about your single/dating/married experiences? Ask anything. It helps others who have similar questions.

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I’ve been dating someone on an off for several years now and recently found a pair of red, size-small panties in his bedside drawer, which he says were old, and no, they weren’t mine (I am not that size). I’m not one to retaliate, but I think I need to get over him. My children are very disappointed with my decision to leave this man, as they both liked him.

He’s a good man – smart, kind, and familiar with me and my family at this point. Do I break up with him, even though he keeps denying it over and over? He says the panties are 27 years old, as are the contents of the drawer, and shame on me for “crossing the boundaries” … blah blah blah. He says he never uses the drawer, and it would be another thing if I found them one day and the next they were gone.

Not sure what to do here. I love this man, but I’m not sure.

– Red

Why don’t you trust him?

Has he given you reason to assume the worst? Does he do a bunch of mysterious things that leave you guessing? How often have you felt the need to question his commitment?

Make a list, please. If you can’t get anything down on paper, that tells you something, right? Maybe it’s all fine.

Of course, if you come up a bunch of reasons you’ve doubted him in the past – even one or two that feel significant – you’ll know this isn’t about the underwear. At that point, the panties will be part of a pattern. Or a tool for you to figure out why the rest of the relationship doesn’t feel secure. You said you’ve been on-and-off with him. I wonder why.

Please know that his story sounds kind of … plausible. Even if he kept the underwear for the memories, that’s fine, right? Maybe you found a scrap book, of sorts. Most of us keep old things.

Get that list going – and soon. Be honest with yourself about how you were feeling about the relationship before you opened that drawer.

– Meredith

Readers? Would you assume the underwear is evidence of cheating? Were boundaries crossed here? What else might be in that drawer?

Dating Single parents Cheating

Featured Comment

“Hmm…you know how when you put a bathing suit away, and when you take it out the next season the elastic has deteriorated somewhat? Well 27 yro panties would be similar. And if this guy has been ‘handling’ them…well there’d be more wear and tear. There’s the slim chance the guy has preserved them in some sort of sacred shrine and they’re still pristine. Even less chance imo that they’ve been totally forgotten for 27 yrs.

Either you believe the guy’s explanation or not… it seems like you don’t. And if he has some kind of lingerie fantasy going on and still hides it from you after you stumble across it…well then there’s communication and embarrassment issues which don’t bode well for a couple that has been together for several years. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker.”

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