He Says He Can’t Commit

Thursday | October 1, 2015

Love Letters Dating

He Says He Can’t Commit

Hi Meredith,

Regardless of circumstance (for example, the person you’re dating being very recently out of a three-and-a-half-year relationship), what is a reasonable amount of time to “wait” to become exclusive?

It’s been just about five months and we had another drunken discussion about this the other night. He said that he wants “us” but just can’t right now. He feels a great connection with me, thinks we have something really special, is crazy about me – basically acts like my boyfriend, is so sweet, affectionate, giving, etc., but he just isn’t ready to commit yet.

He said that he understands that it’s unfair on my end and wishes he “could give me the world” and doesn’t fault me if I go do my own thing, but that he doesn’t want to lose me and can’t imagine his life without me. He said that he feels totally selfish for essentially saying, “I want this, but just not right now,” but that’s just where he’s at. I feel stuck. I am in love with him and I see a future with him, but I don’t know how long I am supposed to wait. I use the word “supposed” loosely because I know there isn’t a set time, but am I being blind to some other truth here? That he will never commit to me, and that if he really wanted to he would have by now? That he’s stringing me along until something better comes along? Or should I wait this out because of what I think we have?

– Stuck in Boston

My advice is to listen to him. Go do your own thing and see what else is out there. You don’t have to cut him off, but you must consider other options. He doesn’t want exclusivity, and this shouldn’t be a one-sided commitment.

I know it’s tempting to wait around for him to change his mind, but you can’t – because he didn’t even give you a maybe. Drunk or not, he was very clear about his intentions. He likes seeing you and playing boyfriend for a night at a time, but he can’t give you more right now.

Please get yourself unstuck. This is a really good time to go on lots of dates.

Readers? Should she wait? Will he come around?

– Meredith

Dating

Featured Comment

Stuck in Boston u002du002d You are me a few years ago! I said goodbye to a man I was in love with, who said he wanted to be with me but that he couldn’t commit. At the time, we had both been fresh out of long term relationships and probably shouldn’t have been so involved in the first place. But after many drunken conversations, I said goodbye to that man. A few months later he reached out and said he made a big mistake. He called and texted for months before I said yes to one dinner with him. We’ve been together (and now engaged) ever since that dinner.

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