He Saved Himself For Me

Monday | July 1, 2019

Love Letters Dating

He Saved Himself For Me

How did you know you wanted to commit to your partner? Tell us here, for Season 3 of the podcast. And send letters.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now and am 23. I’m the jealous type (I’m not proud of it). In one situation, my boyfriend’s ex was constantly trying to get back together with him, even though she knew he has a girlfriend. In a second situation he was talking to a different ex in secret (changing her name on his phone so I wouldn’t know) but I snooped (bad, I know) and found out. We have always worked it out.

But recently I’ve become jealous of a woman who posts racy things on Snapchat. I believe he should respect that it makes me uncomfortable and simply unfollow her. He doesn’t agree.

Part of the issue is that I was far more sexually experienced when we met. He’d never had sex, and says he saved himself for me (“the one”). He seems to think this gives me no right to be upset about anything he does. I truly love and appreciate that he chose me, but it’s frustrating that I’m not allowed to be a little insecure or uncomfortable with certain situations.

I’m in desperate need of outside advice. Am I not understanding what his virginity gesture means? Do I need to just be more secure, or should I not settle? Is it unfair for him to say that giving me his virginity is the ultimate gesture, and that nothing else should matter? Should we see a couples therapist? Please help!

– Jealous

“Is it unfair for him to say that giving me his virginity is the ultimate gesture, and that nothing else should matter?”

This seems very unfair. You did not ask for this gesture. All you want is a good partner in the present. That’s what matters.

Your sexual experience doesn’t have any bearing on what kind of relationship you share. This is all about boundaries and transparency, and what you’re willing to accept about each other. You need to decide whether you can trust him after he lied about talking to his ex. Meanwhile, he needs to think about whether he wants to be with someone who wants him to stay focused on one woman – even on Snapchat. Both of you should be thinking about what’s working (and not working) now.

I like the idea of couples therapy because a third party might help you avoid having the same fight over and over again. Therapy also might reveal why you’ve felt insecure. Because the Snapchat woman isn’t what started this. Try talking about why you’ve felt the need to pay attention to his distractions.

Also, please don’t feel pressured to stay in the relationship because he told you you’re “the one.” You never promised him forever, and even if you did, you’re allowed to change your mind. You don’t have to stick around if this doesn’t feel right.

– Meredith

Readers? What does the past have to do with the present in this relationship?

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