He Might Not Want Kids

Monday | March 7, 2016

Love Letters Dating

He Might Not Want Kids

Dear Meredith,

I’m 35 years old and I’ve been with my current boyfriend for seven months. In summary, it’s been a difficult two years. I lost a parent and a close friend to cancer. After this happened, I took time to heal for about a year and surrounded myself with the support of my friends and family. When I was back on my two feet, I met my current boyfriend, whom I care about deeply. He’s loving, warm, kind, and thoughtful, and he’s helped me with the grieving process. We talk daily on the phone and see each other three to four times a week. We have similar thoughts about finances, politics, and religion. I’m a busy professional who has been career focused until now, but I’m ready to commit to him and this relationship.

We’ve started discussing long-term plans, including moving in together and marriage. The only problem is he’s not sure he wants to have kids. He thinks he may want to have kids at some point but he’s not 100 percent sure about this, and it may not be for five to ten years. I would like to have kids within the next five years.

He had a tough childhood with an absent father, so part of his hesitation is that he only wants to have a child if he feels like he’ll be a great father. He’s also going to be looking for permanent jobs in the next year (he’ll be finishing grad school), so he hasn’t really had to think about kids during his training. He is 31 years old. As a 35-year-old, I know I have a biological clock. Is it worth breaking up with someone over this uncertainty? I love him and can imagine myself staying with him. He’s made it clear that he feels the same way about me. Is it too early to be discussing the issue of kids now? Should I continue letting this relationship grow and seeing where this goes?

– Torn

If he’s not sure how he feels about having kids, you can let the relationship grow. At seven months, there are so many uncertainties. You might not know whether you want this guy to be the father of your children. You’re still figuring out what a shared life might look like. No matter how much you like each other, everything is up in the air. Unless he’s certain that he doesn’t want to be a father, everything is a maybe.

You’re right about your biological clock, which means that taking your time is a risk, but so is breaking up with your boyfriend before you have answers. Your best bet is to reevaluate the state of your relationship in another few months.

Just remember that you’re not sitting around and waiting for your boyfriend to decide whether he wants to have kids. You’re also figuring out your feelings for this man and whether the relationship continues to make you happy.

– Meredith

Readers? Should she give the relationship more time? What do the past two years of her life have to do with her decisions?

Family 🖤 Dating

Featured Comment

LW, if you have already been ‘discussing long-term plans, including moving in together and marriage’ then it is definitely not too soon to ask about kids and find out if they are an option. If you are planning to live together, you should be able to speak honestly about things. Have an honest conversation and make it clear to him that you aren’t trying to pressure him, but that realistically it is something you need to talk about and think about. You don’t need an answer then and there, but it would be unfair to him for you to keep this to yourself and consider ending the relationship without at least being open with him.

ScoishVelociraptorMaloish Share Thoughts