He Lied About His Past

Monday | January 11, 2016

Love Letters Dating

He Lied About His Past

My husband and I have been together for two years and married for one. After we were married, I found out that he has been married twice before (he only told me about one of those marriages). He also has a 8-year-old that he never mentioned.

I found out about the second marriage and the child once we were married and had moved in together. I was putting away his things and found evidence. When I confronted him, he gave me attitude and became belligerent. Not long after my discovery, I got horribly ill and had to stop working temporarily. I chose to let the issue go because be supports me 100 percent.

Although I know the truth, my husband still does not put much effort into raising his daughter. The more time goes by, the angrier I’ve become. I don’t appreciate being lied to, and honestly he takes better care of me than he does his kids. (He also has a 20 and 19-year-old he hardly sees.) I am a family-oriented person and my daughter means the world to me. What kind of man never talks about his daughter, as if she doesn’t exist? I’m conflicted I don’t know what to do.

– Angry, betrayed and lied to

You need to decide whether you can live without transparency. Your husband thought it was OK to commit to you without telling you about a marriage and a child. He will continue to omit facts and details when it suits him. His belligerence suggests that his behavior won’t change.

As for the family stuff, you’re right, it sounds like you have different priorities when it comes to parenting. Even if you can accept those differences now, they might become deal-breakers later as your family evolves.

Your best bet is to get to a therapist to talk about these questions. It’s worth asking your husband to come along (even though his belligerence also suggests he’ll say no to that kind of request). Also consider making an appointment with a financial planner. You need to figure out how your life might work if you decide to move out.

Most importantly, reach out to family and friends and keep them in the know. They’ll need to be your support system if you decide you can’t accept what you really married.

Readers? Are these lies deal-breakers? Can this marriage work?

– Meredith

Dating

Featured Comment

LW, I am so sorry! It’s not okay that he lied to you about something as important as a marriage and a child. It is also not okay that he got belligerent when you talked to him about it. I would suggest that you build your support system, and make a financial plan for yourself. Good luck.

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