Hi Meredith and Readers,

I’m in a wonderful relationship with a sweet guy who makes me laugh. He’s 30 and I’m 26. We’ve been together for a year and a half, and my life has never been so cheerful and complete. We’ve spoken seriously about marriage, likely within the next year. The other night I asked him about something we’d avoided talking about since we met: past relationships. After all these months, I wanted to finally be open and honest with him about it, and to understand a bit about this missing piece of his life before I knew him.

To be clear, I didn’t – and still don’t – want details about his former significant other(s). I just felt like we should get rid of whatever skeletons are in the closet once and for all, and, together, put these other relationships behind us. Well, he didn’t answer my question, explaining that he’d prefer not to talk about either of our love/dating histories. I wasn’t surprised, given that he’d never once brought up the topic before and because he’s a private person, in general. However, I’d hoped he’d say something like, “Yeah, I dated around/had a few girlfriends before I met you, but I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you.” Maybe that sounds sappy, but I thought it would have been nice and reassuring, even if he didn’t want to divulge details or dig up past feelings. Instead, he simply said that unless I really wanted to discuss it, he’d prefer never to talk about this at all.

My reaction was relief (at first) because I was afraid of getting jealous or insecure if he spoke about previous girls in his life – as if they’d haunt me and our relationship (though rationally, that wouldn’t happen, right?). So I made an agreement with him not to speak about our exes, as a matter of trust and respecting his privacy. But part of me isn’t OK with this agreement. As we consider a lifelong partnership, are we wrong to not be at least a little open with each other? How could we be open and honest without hurting one another? Or is the past truly the past and all that matters is what we’ve created together? I’d appreciate some perspective from those who’ve successfully had “the ex talk.” Is this a conversation worth bringing up with him again? Since you guys are not my boyfriend, I’ll tell you that I’ve only had two relationships prior to this one. One left me pretty heartbroken for about a year before I met my current boyfriend, and then he changed everything. I guess I’d like to be able to give him these snapshots of my past relationships to let him know the only value I hold in them is that they helped me realize how completely great I’ve got it now.

– exes & o’s