He doesn't make any money

Thursday | October 3, 2024

Love Letters Dating

He doesn’t make any money

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I dated a man for almost three years. I broke up with him and never looked back. I never felt more free after that breakup. I didn’t know it fully when I was in it, but my boyfriend was a narcissist, constantly putting himself over me, never admitting when he was wrong, and constantly making me question my own reality.

Leaving this man was scary – because on paper he was damn near perfect. Gorgeous, intelligent, business owner, made lots of money, took me on five-star trips and fancy dinners, very charismatic, the “life of the party.” But when I think about how he made me feel around him, it was always anxious, scared, uneasy, agitated, distracted, and ultimately insecure.

Flash forward and I’ve recently met a guy through a friend. This man, unlike many of my exes, does not have a high-paying career. In fact, he’s nearly broke. He’s a successful artist who sells his work, but he’s also barely getting by.

He’s also totally not my type, with long shaggy hair and a full beard. But besides these two things, the way this man has made me feel is unlike any guy I’ve ever dated. This guy is beyond tender with me. When I am with him I feel immense peace. He makes me laugh more than I ever have. He remembers the things I tell him and makes me feel like he deeply cares. All things I’m not used to. He takes joy and happiness in putting me first, in doing favors for me – and because he listens and knows me well, he knows exactly the things to make me happy. But really, above all the things he does for me, its how safe and how accepted he makes me feel. A feeling I can’t even say I get from my own family, and only some friends.

When new guy and I go out, I always pay. Its strange because I’ve never been in this role. But my question is … how do I know if I give this guy a shot?

My biggest worry is that this guy is nearly broke, and to be honest, it’s scary for me. I’m almost 30 and mostly looking for my life partner. This guy is amazing, but I want a man that is able to help support me and my future children. I’m not saying I don’t want to work, but I don’t want to be the only financial contributor.

What advice do you have for me to think about as I navigate whether I should give this guy a chance or leave before I fall too in love?

Thanks Love Letters

– <3

You thought you wanted a person who looked good on paper, but now you’re enjoying something different.

Is it possible you might reconsider what kind of household you want in the future?

It sounds like you can pay for these dates. Maybe you and this artist will fall madly in love and come up with a system where he’s providing home management and childcare in a way that saves you thousands – and that’s his contribution. I guess I’m wondering if there’s any wiggle room for you when it comes to who does what in a home run by life partners.

Maybe there isn’t, and this just won’t work. That’s why I think it’s time for a conversation. Can you ask about his hopes for the future? Does he want marriage and kids with anyone? What kind of partner does he seek? Does he think about money? If his answer is a big shrug, you’re in different places, it seems.

Sometimes after a bad relationship, we meet one nice person, and they show us what a wonderful loving experience can be like. It’s bliss – because we forgot the good stuff was possible. That doesn’t mean the one nice person is everything. Maybe, after hearing this man’s vision for the future, you’ll realize he’s a great guy who taught you that dating can be respectful, caring, and fun. Perhaps this experience will help you re-set and find someone who shares more of your goals and values.

Have the conversation soon. Then make decisions.

Also, I do hope he’s taken you out for something within his budget (like, even a coffee or sandwich would be great). Not because of gender roles, but because it’s kind.

– Meredith

Readers? Worth finding out more about this man or is it simply incompatibility?

I’d love to read your question. What’s on your mind about being single? Dating? Breaking up? Send your own letter by using the anonymous form or email [email protected].

Money 🖤 Dating

Featured Comment

[C]haracter is more important than money, but you do need to be on the same page about money—earning, spending, saving. You need to be on the same path too, where do you want to go in the life? Is it the same place?

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