He Doesn’t Have Much Time For Me

Monday | October 25, 2021

Love Letters Dating

He Doesn’t Have Much Time For Me

It’s raining (in Boston). Curl up and tell me your relationship stuff. Send your questions via this form, please – or email [email protected].

Meredith,

I’m 45, straight (adding these details since LL demands it), and in a 10-month relationship. We met online during the pandemic, and while a necessary slow start, it progressed as vaccines became available and summer came. We agreed to be exclusive about three months in and mutually vaccinated. Around that same time, his job hours changed, and getting together started to be difficult. He works a night shift onsite, I work a remote day shift. When he’s winding down and getting ready for bed, I’m ending my day and craving some company. We live 30 minutes apart, so I have offered to stop by maybe once a week to have dinner/spend time. Every time I have offered, he dismisses it. He also works about 10 minutes from my place, and while I’ve offered that, he never takes me up on the invite. We are both single, no kids, so no considerations there.

I guess my concern is why he doesn’t want to spend time. Am I wrong to want a significant other to be more than one-a-week? I’m a pretty independent person at heart, and so is he, which I like, but someday way down the line I would want to live with a partner. I get the impression from the comments he’s made to me that that’s not in his cards. And our time together is like that … one day, one overnight. Is this a red flag, or just a result of schedules?

Before LL lambastes me for stupidity/naïveté: I know that he’s neither married nor dating others. He’s not playing me. He’s a great person: a gentleman, hardworking, funny, attractive, intelligent. We have good chemistry (in my opinion), similar backgrounds. I’ve met his family, he’s met mine. When we get together, it feels easy and natural. He’s told me he loves me.

I’m second-guessing myself and wondering: should I just discuss point blank with him about what I’m feeling regarding the “distance” and let the chips fall? Any insights into how to bring this up in a non-confrontational way, but in a way that gets to the truth? I want this relationship to work and can be understandable about schedule and timeline, but at the same time, I want to be on the same page. I’m ready to walk away because I’m not feeling he’s on my page but want to be as constructive as possible in case I am overthinking.

– Any advice appreciated

At this point, you lose nothing by being transparent about all of your wishes.

Tell him you want to see him more often, even if it means a weird breakfast, dinner, or nap between shifts. If that doesn’t work for him, you’re on different paths – and that’s OK. Let him know it’s not an ultimatum, it’s a reality check. Sure, you both feel love, but you might want different kinds of attention from partner – and a different end result from dating. Ask him if he craves more of what you have, and if so, what he can offer. If all he wants to give is the status quo, that’s that.

My guess is that your gut is steering you in the right direction – away from him. I understand the beauty of alone time, but his lack of interest in seeing you – even when he’s 10 minutes away and has some free time – says plenty. You don’t want to continue this if you’re consistently unfulfilled. Yes, schedules are a big part of this, but there’s more to it than the night shift.

State your intentions. Get some answers so you can feel good about a decision. It’s not confrontation, it’s a necessary conversation about your happiness. Get to it.

– Meredith

Readers? End it? State intentions? Schedules? Any hope here?

Dating