He Didn’t Follow Through

Wednesday | December 9, 2015

Love Letters Dating

He Didn’t Follow Through

I met a guy a few months ago and we got along really well. We got chatty on social media and stayed in touch throughout the year. I reached out to him a few weeks ago and we had a really long talk. We spoke about marriage, kids, and our future plans. He also asked me out on a date. I said yes but we hadn’t agreed on a day/time. That same night, though, we went out and things got pretty intense. It was obvious that there was plenty of intellectual and sexual chemistry. We had a really great night and we agreed to see each other during the week.

However, none of that came to fruition. He said he planned our date for the weekend, but on Saturday he didn’t message me at all. I got annoyed and called him twice, and he just told me he was out with his friends. He didn’t contact me the following day either. I really don’t know what to do at this point. Is it even worth pursuing anymore? Is he even interested if he cancels on me twice with no apologies and doesn’t even bother to get in touch afterward? I don’t date often and have no idea how this works, so can you please clarify this for me? I thought I’d give it another week to see if he’d say anything, but I couldn’t. I deleted him from my friends list. Better to let go of the idea of being with him now than embark on a pointless and unfulfilling future relationship. May as well spare myself the heartache, although I’m already feeling bad about it. I really thought he could be the right guy for me. So anyway, I’d just like to get your take on whether I’ve blown it by overreacting over something small, or if he screwed up a little as well. I feel like it’s 80 percent my fault and 20 percent his. (Also, how long should you give a guy to plan your first date? Because I waited 11 days, which seems fairly long to me.)

– Deleted

Let me start by saying that I object to your weird math. It seems silly to try to quantify fault in percentages, but if you must, please don’t take 80 percent of the blame. This guy was wishy-washy about his intentions from the start. He asked you out without telling you when he wanted to see you. That’s not a real invitation.

The lesson here is that you can’t allow yourself to fall for someone until they’ve proven they can be a reliable presence in your life. The most telling part of your letter is sentence three: “We got chatty on social media and stayed in touch throughout the year.” Social media communication can supplement a real-life connection, but it doesn’t stand in for getting to know someone in person. As you date more people, know that you can’t get excited about little messages until you’ve bonded (more than once) with someone, without the aid of computers and phones.

I understand you’re new to this and want specific numbers and rules, but all you need to know is that your gut is leading you in the right direction. You didn’t need to call him twice (once is always enough), but you were right to assume that this guy flaked out. He didn’t follow through, and that’s all that matters.

Readers? Is it 80 percent her fault? How many days should it take for someone to ask you on a date? Is it a real invitation if you don’t know when the date will happen?

– Meredith

Dating

Featured Comment

I can totally understand about having no clue when it comes to dating. I was like that 10 years ago. Rules of the game change so fast. However, the more casual dating you do, the better it gets. Here are some pointers: The key is keeping it casual and light for the first couple of dates. No heavy discussion about marriage and children until you are in a relationship.No sleeping with anyone on dates until you are exclusive (hold fast to this rule as you may be tempted to break it). Stop the texting and ask him to call you. Sounds dumb right? but you can do that. Talking is not outdated.

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