He can't sit still and pay attention

Wednesday | May 14, 2025

Love Letters Dating

He can’t sit still and pay attention

I started seeing a great guy a little over a month ago, and in a town where men like him are VERY hard to find. He checks so many boxes:

– Great job

– Has a place of his own

– Cat dad

– Can cook and likes to cook for me

– Attractive and good in bed

I could go on, however, he has severe ADHD and I’m not sure I can handle it. We have yet to have a sit-down conversation without being surrounded by people in a busy restaurant or his TV blaring in the background. He seems to need constant noise and stimulation. He also can’t seem to sit down for more than 10 minutes at a time.

His energy is anything but calming and his mind is clearly going a thousand miles a minute in multiple directions. He says he wants to get to know me, but when he does ask questions about me, he rarely keeps focus long enough to even hear my response or let me finish. I don’t know how he retains any information at all. Because of this energy, I feel like we have yet to connect on a significant level and I’m not sure how long to give this to determine if things will improve or if I should just cut my losses.

I would like to add that I was married to an autistic person for over five years who had a similar issue, so I am no stranger to trying to feel connected to a partner who is wired differently. I ended up connecting to people outside of my marriage to have most of those needs met, and it was a very lonely partnership. I think that is ultimately making this situation worse because I’m not sure I have the stamina to be in another long-term relationship like this. But maybe that is clouding my judgement? What should I do? Help!

– Help

Did this man tell you about any kind of diagnosis? Are you guessing?

I do wonder if you’re jumping to conclusions about a bunch of things.

Sometimes people are distracted because they’re thinking about work. Other times they can’t sit still because they’re nervous on a second or third date.

I have no idea what’s happening – and I suspect that makes two of us.

That’s why it’s good to ask questions. You can inquire about the TV/noise – why he likes it – and request a bit more silence while you talk.

You could also suggest a nature date. This might be a walk in a park, a picnic, or a garden visit. Then you’ll get a real sense of how he is unplugged. I went to the Arnold Arboretum on Sunday (the lilacs are out, as are my allergies), and my first hectic-person instinct was to speed by everything. Then, after seeing others literally stop to smell the flowers, I started to calm down.

Nature is good like that. See how he fares when there’s nothing to do but enjoy the company.

Of course, it’s possible this relationship is a mismatch when it comes to energy. It would be disappointing, but OK. Please know that some amazing, wonderful, fantastic people (cat dads included) might not have a place of their own or a perfect job, but are incredible listeners who love to sit still. It’s all about what values matter most.

But do give this relationship some more dates – and ask for information. It’s only been a month. It a good time to throw out some questions and try new environments.

– Meredith

Readers? Is this reader jumping to conclusions because of a past relationship? What questions can she ask?

It’s your turn. What’s on your mind about dating, relationships, friendships, etc.? Submit your letter by using the anonymous form, or email [email protected].

Dating Divorce

Featured Comment

It’s only been a month. Get him into some less stimulating environments, or an activity date. See if he can participate in a game or an activity without wandering off or turning on an electronic device. Then decide what works and what doesn’t.

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