He Hasn’t Told His Family About Me

Tuesday | March 28, 2017

Love Letters Dating

He Hasn’t Told His Family About Me

Dear Meredith,

I have been dating a wonderful man for almost two years, and we love each other deeply. However, he has two children with his ex-wife, and they don’t know I exist. I can’t continue much longer in the shadows. I love kids, and because he doesn’t want more, I am giving up any chance I may have had to be a mother by choosing to be with him (I was 37 when we met, and I am now 39). Though I find it daunting, I would be content to be a step-parent, and would be totally devoted to his children if entrusted with that role. I don’t expect that to happen right away; I would just like to slowly and casually get to know them. He (sort of) agrees, but is unable to take that step. He tells me that he is “working through things.” He claims that he is “protecting his kids,” and he also says “my kids would love you.”

This weekend he is going to a celebration where he will be with his ex-wife and children. I am not welcome, and he sees no problem with my exclusion. He spends holidays with her, their children, and her parents. They broke up six months before we got together because of her infidelity. He asked me out when they were separated, and at 37, I decided to expand my horizons and take a chance. I don’t regret it, and I know that he loves me, but at this point, I’m dangling by the end of my rope. Any advice is welcome.

– In the Shadows

This doesn’t work. Not after two years together, not when it means you have to be part of a lie. I don’t know why he thinks it’ll be easier to tell his family about you later. How will they feel if they find out that you’ve been around for years?

I know you love him, but if he can’t bring you around at this point, you need to consider leaving the relationship to find someone who’s ready. Please note that I’m not suggesting an ultimatum; this isn’t about making demands. All you’ll be saying is that you’re at a place in life where you can’t accept living in the shadows. You want more, and it’s not fair to either of you to maintain the uncomfortable status quo.

Maybe he’ll have ideas on how this can work, but go into the conversation assuming that he won’t. He’s still “working through” things, but you’re on a different schedule. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes timing is everything.

– Meredith

Readers? How long can this go on?

Family 🖤 Dating

Featured Comment

The reason people don’t introduce their kids to their boyfriends and girlfriends is that they don’t want them to get attached if the relationship goes south. He doesn’t know if you’re the one. Stop making this so easy for him.

Valentino Share Thoughts