I Have Four Men … But Want Something More

Monday | August 15, 2016

Love Letters Dating

I Have Four Men … But Want Something More

Q. Hi Meredith,

I am 30 and have been seeing four different guys over the last three years or so. I met them all around the same time when I was in the phase of just hooking up and not looking for a relationship at all.

I am not in love with any of these guys, and the sex is great with each of them. But again, I don’t see myself committing to any one of them – ever. So until I find the one right for me, I am very satisfied. I don’t even feel like I am cheating on these guys, given that I never let them be a part of my inner circle (meeting family/close friends/double dates and such). Nor have I been under any pressure from them about things like that. I see each of these guys once a week, unplanned, on random days – very much unstructured. None of them know I am seeing the others, and each of them live in different parts of the city. It wouldn’t bother me if I found out they were seeing others. I don’t sleep over after I see them.

The problem I’m facing is that I have stopped looking for Mr. Right – full stop. Given my work/social calendar and the time I spend with each of these men, I don’t know how to go about looking for the one who I would ideally like to spend the rest of my life with and grow old with. I have asked a very close friend, and she thinks there is nothing I should change – someone right might come along one day. She says that until that happens, I should continue doing what I have been. I’m not so sure. I am getting to a point where I have to make some drastic changes, but I don’t know what to do. I need some advice! Please help.

– JudgeMeNot

I’m sort of with your friend. It sounds like you have a great situation, as long as everyone is cool with the fact that you’re not looking for a relationship.

That said, I’m not sure I buy your friend’s theory that an amazing partner will “come along one day.” I mean, you’re spending four nights a week with these men, and then you have work and the rest of your life. That doesn’t leave much time for meeting people. I do think you’ll have to make some space in your schedule if you want to get to know someone new.

My advice is to clear one night a week for some online dating. Maybe that means seeing one or two guys a week instead of four. I know you’ll miss some of that very wonderful sex, but you’re the one who said you “have to make some drastic changes.” You’re the one who seems to be ready for more.

This process would be easier if you felt a little more single. Sure, you’re unattached, but you always have somewhere to be – and someone who wants to get close. Losing that security, at least for one night, could change everything.

– Meredith

Readers? Should the letter writer get rid of these men?

Dating

Featured Comment

If you are happy with the way things are, continue on with what your doing. Nothing wrong with that. If you want to find a relationship though and date people, it may be time to consider ending it with these guys. The issue is time and energy. Are you able to fit in dating along with seeing 4 guys and any other social engagements?

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