How Do I Find The Motivation To Date?

Friday | March 31, 2017

Love Letters Dating

How Do I Find The Motivation To Date?

Hi Mere,

I’m having trouble getting back out there. It’s been over a year since I have been on a date and several years since my last real relationship, but don’t get me wrong, I want to be with someone. It’s just that after all the attempts and failures, I’m having trouble finding the strength, confidence, and motivation to put myself out there again. I’m in my early 30s and everyone around me is either married, engaged, or on their way to it, and I always thought that by now that would be me, too.

It seems like every time I decide to invest in someone, I get burned. I don’t want to get hurt again or put myself out there only to be rejected. At this time in my life, I want to find something serious with a woman who has the same goals and expectations for her future as I do, and in order to meet someone and progress to that point, I need to take that risk. But I can’t get over that hump.

Everyone around me says there’s no risk without reward, that heartbreak happens to everyone. But the usual encouragements aren’t enough this time. How does someone continue to find the resilience and strength needed to find love after so much hurt and/or failure?

– Down and Out?

You seem to want the pep talk to end all pep talks, but I won’t lie to you. Dating can be exhausting, and once you meet someone you like, it’s possible that heartbreak will follow.

My advice is to set a small goal – maybe one date over the next two months. Tell your friends that you’re open to setups. Scroll through some dating apps looking for just one person you’d like to take for coffee.

Also, try to reframe this issue – or call it something else. “Getting back out there” is an overwhelming concept (I get exhausted just typing it). Instead of thinking of this as a reentry – like you’ll be walking into yet another round of the Hunger Games – accept the fact that you’ve been out there this whole time. You’ve been in the world, considering your options. You’ve been at risk of meeting someone and falling in love whether you’ve known it or not.

– Meredith

Readers? Can you give this LW a pep talk?

Dating