I Feel We’re ‘destined To Fail’

Wednesday | August 10, 2016

Love Letters Dating

I Feel We’re ‘destined To Fail’

We’ll return for chat next week.

My girlfriend and I are in our mid-20s and have been dating for two years now, and I feel like our relationship is no longer salvageable. I sense we have both grown tired of each other’s idiosyncrasies. She has subtle anger management issues and doesn’t handle stress well. I have a terrible habit of talking down to her and have little patience when I get frustrated with her. We are both equally stubborn. We know that in order to be together, those behaviors have to change, and we genuinely want to change them. Every three weeks or so we end up in fights (most small, some big), which are ultimately caused by the very things we said we were going to change. We can’t even make a bed or do laundry together because we devolve into a fight.

Also, our sex life has decreased a lot over the two years. We have talked about marriage, and I know we each have qualities that one desires in a spouse. We have not given up, yet we have not changed. I ask myself how can I marry and raise a family with someone I can’t even make a bed with? At night I find myself running through scenarios where I am breaking up with her or moving on. Do I stick it out? How can I convey my feelings about our relationship being destined to fail? Please help.

– Fighting

“I know we each have qualities that one desires in a spouse …”

Um … maybe. But please know that you didn’t mention any spouse-like qualities in your letter. I’m sure you have some good times during the weeks you’re not fighting, but that doesn’t mean you’re on the path to forever. Marriage involves a lot of stuff like doing laundry and making the bed.

It sounds like you want to end the relationship but you’re afraid to tell her – maybe because you fear you’ll say it wrong (that’s your thing, right?), and then she’ll bring out of those anger management issues. Unfortunately, you have to communicate and take that risk. Just pick a calm time and start the discussion.

You were very articulate in this letter; you might want to memorize some of your points for when you have the talk. You should also plan to ask your girlfriend – and yourself – whether you make each other happy. During those weeks with no fights, are you loving your life together? Are you where you want to be? Something tells me that those peaceful weeks are not necessarily perfection. If that’s true, you’ll need to be honest about that, too.

– Meredith

Readers? Can this be fixed?

Dating

Featured Comment

You just sound done, honestly. It doesn’t seem that you enjoy spending time with your girlfriend at all. It’s not doing her any favors to continue to lie next to her in bed essentially fantasizing about leaving her while outwardly pretending that you’re still trying. Not every relationship works out. If you’re done, you’re done.

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