Everyone Is Getting Married And Having Kids And I’m Lonely

Wednesday | November 9, 2022

Love Letters Dating

Everyone Is Getting Married And Having Kids And I’m Lonely

It’s time to ask your own question. How’s it going with your dating life? Your married life? Send your question to [email protected] or fill out this form.

I’m a woman at an age (27) where everyone in my life is pushing 30, and the news of babies, houses, and marriages is everywhere I look. I’m not looking for the same things, although I do want to have a healthy and loving relationship. I’ve been single for four years. I just haven’t found many I connect with. I stopped dating about a year ago.

This lack of connection and overall loneliness led me to accept an ex back into my life from a few years ago. He left me for someone else and tried to hide it. He came around in the past six months to make amends, at the direction of his therapist. He would “do anything to have me in his life.” He mentioned thinking about me every day for the past few years and “believes” I’m the love of his life. In spite of the way I was treated by him, the intimacy and connection was something I’ve been missing. I’m self-aware enough to know this wasn’t healthy for me. I found myself ignoring my better judgement. I took the validation I felt from his groveling too far.

I still loved him, but I knew ultimately that this would never amount to what I want and deserve. He continued a relationship with his partner. Maybe they never broke up and he lied. He tried to make excuses and continue contact with me. I finally had enough, cut-off all contact, blocked him, etc. I let his partner know that we’d been speaking every day and saw each other intimately over the last six months. That was two months ago, and today a mutual friend of ours told me they are engaged. I feel guilt for bring jealous that this person is loved by someone, while I’m still struggling in my life. Any advice on setting better boundaries when I know I deserve more? When I’m lonely and surrounded by couples? What can I do to start welcoming in the things I’m really looking for?

– Struggling

You mention that you haven’t connected with many people. That is difficult and can make things lonely. (I just want to validate those feelings.)

Here’s the thing – this choice you made with your ex … it was one bad move that taught you a great lesson. You wanted company from someone who made you feel good long ago, and now you know it leads to what you expected – feeling worse. The experience doesn’t mean you always do the wrong thing or have a pattern of accepting less than you deserve. Even now you’re telling me you don’t want to do that again. A bad experience can be a one-off. Let’s call it that.

And the jealousy? Normal. But you know better. That is not the kind of relationship you want.

I would recommend finding some 27-year-olds (or anyone, really) whose lives don’t orbit weddings and babies right now. There’s nothing wrong with your friends celebrating their own milestones – and I know you can be happy for them – but it would be nice to be around some people who are looking to fill time on a random Friday. Your set of friends might grow during this time because trust me, there are plenty of 30-year-olds who are right where you are and looking for good company. It helps to have more people in your life, not only for social stuff but to remind yourself that everyone is doing their own thing. There are so many paths to consider. Also, new friends might know some people with whom you could connect romantically.

Young professionals groups, MeetUp events … if you’re in Boston or other cities, there’s Skip the Small Talk. Grow you life.

Trust me, at 27 I was still calling an ex or two, still focused on friendships and work, still years away from applying self-awareness to every decision. I had good company, which was nice. That made it easier to figure out what I wanted (or wanted to avoid) in my romantic life. It made everything more fun, for sure.

– Meredith

Readers? Is this a pattern? How do you make good choices when you’re feeling lonely?

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