‘He Is Doubting Our Entire Relationship’

Thursday | April 27, 2017

Love Letters Dating

‘He Is Doubting Our Entire Relationship’

Hi Meredith,

I have been with my boyfriend for over five years now. He’s 24 and I’m 21. Very young, yes, but we are very committed to each other. Obviously we have ups and downs, but we’re happy. We are also different, which sometimes is a good thing, but other times can be overwhelming. Despite our differences, we share the same values and we want the same things – pets, kids, marriage, etc.

We are currently living two hours away from each other, which hasn’t been as difficult as I thought it would be. We were planning to move in together in a few months, but all of a sudden, he panicked. We had talked about it multiple times, and were excited about buying a house, so this change is very surprising for me. In addition to this change of heart, he is doubting our entire relationship. He says he is not ready yet, and is asking whether we’ve been wrong this whole time, and if we’ve stayed with each other because we’re already five years in. Despite all that, he says that he loves me with all his heart. I truly don’t know what to do. I love him so much, and so far we’ve defeated all of the odds. I want to be with him, and I respect his decision to wait another year before taking next steps, but I don’t want to put our entire relationship in danger. Thank you in advance for your help.

– A loyal reader

He wants to wait another year? That seems fine. It hurts, but it’s fine. Moving in with someone – and buying property with them – can be a big and scary step. It’s better to do it with confidence than rush the process.

The only thing to think about is what you’ll put up with over the next year. If you find that you’re spending all of your time working to show him how great you are as a couple, you have to let him go. If this decision to delay the move makes things tense, or you begin to feel estranged, you should have doubts about the relationship, too. I don’t know what he hopes to learn from the next year, but it shouldn’t feel like a test.

I’m not always in the “If you love someone set them free” camp, but depending on the tone of the next few months, you might be better off taking a break – on your own terms. You don’t want to walk into a living situation – or marriage – with someone who doesn’t know what he wants. It’s upsetting to think about a breakup, but if these questions continue to haunt him, he’ll have to figure them out on his own – and so will you.

– Meredith

Readers? Break up now or wait a year for big decisions?

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Featured Comment

You’re ready for the next step and he is not. Timing in life is everything. Sure, you could wait a year or so, but know that he could still freak out in a year. You will probably be very frustrated during the next year as you keep hoping not to screw things up with the mistaken belief that you can control how ready he is. Only you can know whether you can put off this decision for a year…..

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