Hi Meredith,

I am in my early 40s (never married) and was dating a really great guy (mid-40s, divorced with kids) for over six months. He was sweet, nice, smart, funny, a hard worker – the whole package. His only slight flaw was that he wasn’t the best communicator when it came to talking about his feelings and long-term expectations for relationships. But based on where I was at, that was OK. I came out of a difficult long-term relationship/broken engagement a couple of years ago, and had dated a few guys since then, but nothing serious. This was the first guy I’d dated in a long time that I’d been really happy about.

Everything was going great and he seemed like he was in a really good place about us. He had been referring to us as boyfriend/girlfriend for a couple of months, and would talk about future plans (small things like restaurants and weekend events we should check out). If anything, I was the one holding back, but was starting to really get myself back into relationship mode. The problem: He started becoming distant and told me (after a lot of prodding) that he really isn’t over his divorce and isn’t ready to get serious with anyone yet. As I look back on it, I can understand it. He had been divorced less than a year when I met him, and hadn’t dated much. His kids have a lot of after-school activities, and sometimes there are issues about who should be driving/pickup, etc., so although things are said and done, there are still things he and his ex are working through. He said he still wants to stay in touch, and we have, just a few texts/emails.

I am also not always the best communicator, and it has really been bothering me that when we broke up, I don’t think I was entirely clear about where my head is at. Basically, I was surprised to hear him say he isn’t ready to move forward. I worry that quite a few of the things I said (before he told me how he was feeling) made it sound like I was really ready to move forward, and that my expectation was that things were getting more serious. It would have been fine to continue things at a slower pace. I never wanted to push him – or myself – to move at a faster pace than we felt comfortable with. I would like to say this to him, but I don’t want this to come out the wrong way; I’m not looking to change his mind, just clarify more about where I’m at. I feel that life is short, and although I am not the best communicator, I don’t like leaving things unsaid, and we didn’t talk much. In short, I don’t want him to feel there was/is any sort of pressure on my end, but I’m afraid bringing it up might have the exact opposite effect. Is this something I should talk to him about or just leave it be and give him space?

– To speak or not to speak?