I Don’t Have Much Time For Him

Wednesday | June 15, 2016

Love Letters Dating

I Don’t Have Much Time For Him

We will chat tomorrow at 1 p.m. Sorry for the last-minute switch.

Hi Meredith,

My question is about dating post-divorce. I left my ex because of his inability to deal with his addiction and how it started to affect our child. Things got pretty stressful toward the end of our marriage and I was in therapy for over a year after leaving him. Since then, he has gotten his addiction under control and we have been able to successfully co-parent our daughter. I didn’t date at all for 18 months after I left him because I needed time to figure out life as a single mom and to get a handle on my work and finances. When I did start dating, I met a wonderful man right away. We have now been dating for six months.

This man, “John,” is kind and generous and we have a lot of fun together. I enjoy the time we spend together. The issue is that John wants more from me than I can give at this point. He is single, has no kids, and has an undemanding job that leaves him with a lot of free time. As you can imagine, I have extremely limited free time and am often exhausted. His pressure for me to spend more time with him and talk seriously about our future as a couple and a family turn me off. We have talked about this repeatedly, and he says he understands and accepts my situation, but he is never satisfied with the amount of attention I can give him. Is it unreasonable to ask someone to fit into my rare free time and crazy schedule? Is six months enough time to know if you want someone in your life long-term? Is it weird that I don’t want to be in love with this wonderful man? Am I so scarred by my divorce that I am not capable of love? Help.

– Confused Single Mom

You are not incapable. The fact that you’re with John at all proves you’re open to companionship and love.

The issue here is John – and basic incompatibility. You might be better off with a partner who understands your crazy schedule because he has plenty do on his own. You might be happier with someone who understands that at six months, you’re not ready for big talks about the future. You need a person who is on (or can make peace with) your timeline.

The other problem here – the real deal-breaker – is that you’re not as smitten with John as you’d like to be. You enjoy his company, but you put it best: “I don’t want to be in love with this wonderful man.” If you were falling for him like crazy, you might want him around more often, even when you’re exhausted. If you sensed a bright future, you might be more excited to have him tag along.

You don’t have to commit to the first nice guy you meet. You’re allowed to end this relationship and see what else is out there.

– Meredith

Readers? Is this about time or interest?

Dating

Featured Comment

I think he’s pressuring you way too much. As a single guy, with no kids and an

undemandingu0022 job he has absolutely no idea of the kind of stress you’re under and I can understand why this frustrates you. Also pushing you to talk about your future together when you’re only 6 months into the first relationship after your divorce seems very pushy and almost selfish to me. You need to let him know that he’s smothering you, and he needs to back off a bit.u0022 — BettyMcBoopface Share Thoughts