He Doesn’t Want Marriage Or Kids

Thursday | December 1, 2016

Love Letters Dating

He Doesn’t Want Marriage Or Kids

We’ll chat at 1 p.m.

I have been with my boyfriend for more than two years. I’m 36 and he’s 41. Our relationship is a very happy one. We don’t live together but spend a couple of nights a week together. He is very generous and respectful. He is a good listener and we have a lot of fun. Although we’re very much in love, I made it a rule of mine not to start marriage talk. I wanted him to propose when it was his idea – because he wanted to.

Well, he finally brought up the subject, but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. He doesn’t want to marry – says it never appealed to him. (Yet he flew to another country to propose to his college girlfriend with an elaborate plan. He changed his mind when he got there.) He went on to tell me that he never wants kids. He says he’s too old and doesn’t have the money or energy to raise a kid. He said he might’ve considered marrying me but he knows I want kids and he absolutely doesn’t.

I am devastated. I love this man. Truly. But it’s always been a dream of mine to be a wife and mother. Staying with him means giving up that dream. But breaking up means I leave a happy relationship with a man I’m crazy about. Even if I were to date someone else, I doubt I’d love him like I love my boyfriend. And my fertility clock is winding down. But what if I stay and resent my boyfriend for all I sacrificed for him? I fear the acidic resentment that eats at a relationship until it consumes everything good. I’m so afraid of making the wrong decision. I’ve never been more confused. Please help. What can I do?

– Stay or Start Over?

If you’re already using phrases like “acidic resentment,” you know what you must do. You can’t spend the next few years wondering what you might be giving up. Your desire for kids won’t just go away.

I know you care about this man and that there’s a lot to lose, but it’s very possible you’ll love someone else just as much. I can’t promise that another man will marry and make a baby with you as soon as you’re ready, but it’s possible. This is the time to find out.

A lesson here is that talking about the future isn’t a bad thing. How else can you be sure that you’re building the life you want? Why should the fate of your relationship be up to someone else? As you make this decision – and move on with your life – please commit to asking difficult questions. It’s easier to accept the answers if you don’t have to wait for them.

– Meredith

Readers? Any reason to stay?

Dating

Featured Comment

I married (for the first time) at 42, and became pregnant on our honeymoon. The clock may be ticking for you at 36, LW, but don’t let it rule your life and a major decision like this. Move on, and find someone who wants what you want: marriage and family. And remember, families come in all shapes and sizes, and kids can be born or adopted or step-parented. There are a lot of options out there for you!

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