He Didn’t Tell Me He’s A Widower

Thursday | March 23, 2017

Love Letters Dating

He Didn’t Tell Me He’s A Widower

This letter writer was in chat a few weeks ago and wanted some more help. We’ll chat at 1 p.m. today.

Hi Meredith,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months. We’re in our 30s. Several weeks ago, I found out that he was married before and that his wife died. He shared this information with me prior to going to his parents’ house because his mother hasn’t taken down his wedding picture. Needless to say, I was shocked.

After we left his parents’ house, I questioned him about it and he said it was something he does not talk about. I, of course, was not satisfied with this so I asked his sister. I thought we had an OK talk but then she went and told my boyfriend that I had asked her about it.

My boyfriend admits that he didn’t do a good job telling me about his marriage, and has apologized (the trip to his parents was unexpected), but he still won’t talk about it. He is upset that I went to his sister and feels that I should respect that he doesn’t want to share the details. The only information his sister would share is that it was very painful and that it took him a long time to recover. She said I should give him time and that maybe he would open up, but I keep trying to get more details.

He did say that he doesn’t tell people because they get focused on it and can’t seem to move through something they didn’t experience. He said he wanted us to get to know each other without this information in the mix. I can’t imagine losing a spouse, but I know if I did, all I would want to do is talk about it.

It bothers me that when we talked about our dating history he left this out. Up until this point I thought we were being open and honest, and now on top of the frustration of him not talking about this I worry that there are other material pieces of information he hasn’t shared.

I did google (I know this is not the best idea) for more information and all I found was that she died “suddenly” years ago. I have also looked at his sister’s social media and find no additional information there.

What’s next? Just wait to see if he opens up?

– Waiting for Information

I understand why this is frustrating, but he’s made his boundaries clear. You’ll have to wait until he’s willing to say more.

The question you have to ask yourself, in the meantime, is whether you’re a good match for someone who isn’t like you when it comes to disclosure. You imply that you’re a talker – that if you suffered a loss, you’d want to tell him everything. Is he good at talking about your stuff? Does the relationship feel too one-sided when it comes to sharing? Instead of sleuthing to fill in the gaps, think about whether you can be satisfied with someone who might be less likely to tell you what’s on his mind. Because this could speak to how he communicates, in general. It sounds like he processes on his own.

For the record, I’m with him on the sister thing. He said he didn’t want to share, and you went around him – to his family. That’s not OK. It’s better to stick to internet searches. In this case, it’s more appropriate to google.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on sharing?

Dating

Featured Comment

If I were your BF, and I found out just how much you have been prying into this, I’d be looking for the exit. You need to back off and let him tell you what he wants to tell you when he wants to tell it.

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