Is Online Dating Required?

Wednesday | February 25, 2015

Love Letters Dating

Is Online Dating Required?

Hi Meredith,

I’m 32 years old and single. I love my job and my friends and am generally happy, but I would like to be in a relationship. My job is not conducive to meeting new people, and when I go out, I usually just want to spend time with my friends.

I recognize that online dating seems like the obvious way to meet people I wouldn’t normally encounter, but I’m just not sure it’s going to work for me. I hate the “u r so cute” messages from people who clearly aren’t right for me; even nice messages from nice guys make me cringe at the thought of having to engage in back-and-forth banter with someone I don’t know via email so that eventually we can meet up. When that date is scheduled, I can’t help thinking that I’d rather be spending time with friends, reading a book, or going to the gym. The post-date report always goes something like, “He was nice. It was fine.” When asked if I want to see him again, the inevitable answer is, “I don’t really care.” I have met some truly decent guys, but I just can’t seem to make myself care about someone I meet once or twice in such a forced situation.

I find small talk exhausting, and it takes me a while to feel comfortable around new people. When I have been excited about guys in the past, it is always someone I got to know before even considering him as a romantic partner, not someone I felt I had to evaluate after each meeting to decide if I want to see them again. My question, therefore, is if you think online dating can work for everyone.

Is it something I really should do, just trying to keep an open mind to get past the stuff I hate and maybe find someone I like? Or is it legitimate to say, “This just isn’t for me. Either I’ll find someone in a more organic way, or I won’t find someone at all”? I don’t want to feel like I’m giving up (then regret it later), but it’s just not clear to me that there will be any sort of payoff. Do you believe that some personalities are not compatible with online dating, or that I just need to try to adopt a more positive attitude and see what happens?

– An Introvert With a Dilemma, Central Mass.

Online dating isn’t for everyone. You don’t have to do it.

But you do have to change your attitude about first dates. My concern about your letter is that the problems you have with online dating sort of apply to all types of dating. Blind dates set up by friends aren’t much more organic. If you meet someone at a party, you have to decide pretty quickly whether you want to see them again. You won’t always have the luxury of getting to know someone before you fall for them. You have to learn how to connect with someone without months of bonding.

My advice is to do one thing a week that takes you out of the gym, friends, and book reading. That thing could be browsing an online dating site and messaging one person. That thing could be going to a social event and talking to one person you don’t know. You don’t have to walk away with a phone number or plans for a date. It’s just about changing your scenery and learning how to mingle without resenting the experience.

I don’t expect you to become a different person or to develop a better attitude about guys who tell you that “u r so cute.” I just want you to feel better about looking — and to care enough to make the effort to get to know someone new.

Readers? Are you like this? Do you have to online date? Can she wait to meet someone in a more organic way?

– Meredith

Dating