Do I have to tell her I had a one-night stand with our mutual friend?

Thursday | April 11, 2024

Love Letters Dating

Do I have to tell her I had a one-night stand with our mutual friend?

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This woman and I are trending towards dating. Things are going really well and I really couldn’t be happier. We had previously tried to date a couple of times and it didn’t work out, but this time around things are just great.

The only thing is, we are in the same friend group, and I had a one-night stand with one of the other women in the friend group before I started talking to the woman I am talking to now.

The woman I had a one-night stand with definitely won’t be telling anyone about it anytime soon, and it was just a meaningless little fling when we were both drunk.

My question is, do I tell the person I’m trying to date before we start dating? I am slightly worried that the beans might be spilled by someone other than me.

– Beans to Spill

Was this one-night stand a month ago? A year ago? Five years ago?

If it was recent, you don’t know how this woman might share the information. You sound confident, but consider the timing.

Regardless, it’s your secret to keep. We’re allowed to have private lives! We’re supposed to have histories, even if they involve no sex at all.

For all you know, the woman you’re trying to date has hooked up with someone else in the group and doesn’t think it’s any of your business.

This story might come out eventually, and if it does, tell her the truth: that it was a one-night experience, that you and this friend snapped back to your old relationship quickly (I assume), and that you considered bringing it up but didn’t – because you didn’t want it to seem more important than it is.

If the one-night stand had been some monumental event, it would have happened again. You can reiterate that you’ve been waiting to be with her. That’s what matters.

Others might disagree (and they’ll have good points, I’m sure), but I vote that we’re allowed to keep these kinds of things to ourselves, unless there are excellent reasons to share.

– Meredith

Readers? Would you share? Before or after they start dating? Send your own letter to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

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Featured Comment

“Choosing to have sex, even if it’s a drunken fling, is such a personal decision. It really bothers me that this guy is even considering outing the other woman’s personal sexual information in wanting to reveal that he had sex with her. Be a grown adult and let it go.”

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