Did I lead her on?

Wednesday | October 23, 2024

Love Letters Dating

Did I lead her on?

Congrats to the winners of the “Group Therapy” documentary screening contest.

If you want to go to the Globe Docs screening on Thursday night at the Alamo Drafthouse (or watch at home with link), there’s a Love Letters discount code for tickets. The code is LOVELETTERS, and you’ll get 10 percent off. Screening info is here.

When are you leading someone on?

I recently finalized a divorce and had been living apart from my ex-wife for about a year and a half. It was a weird divorce because my spouse initiated it and then called it off several times (only delaying, not stopping the legal process). I didn’t want to get divorced, and by nearly every metric we had a good relationship and had been together 20 years. I attributed her actions to the trauma of the sudden death of her parents followed quickly by the death of her sibling.

I decided to try and date and met a woman through an app. I told this new woman I was just recently divorced and had to move slow. We went on three dates and never went beyond holding hands. After our third date, my ex-wife, who knew nothing about me dating, reached out and said she thought that if I gave her time she might get better. I decided that was what I wanted, and later that day called the woman I had been briefly dating and told her that I had a chance to reconcile with my ex and was going to take it.

OMG, this woman lost it. She has been calling and texting for days now and seems really hurt. She feels I led her on. I should note that she is the same age as me, divorced with a stable and high-prestige career. Her adult life vs. reaction to me breaking up with her is making me question if I did something wrong. This feels like high school level drama. Is this all dating in your 40s is?

– OMG

Dating in your 40s doesn’t have to be like this at all.

But sometimes it is.

You can’t control how another person is going to take bad news.

Maybe this very professional woman went on 100 bad dates before you, and she’s dealing with her fatigue and disappointment by telling you exactly how miserable she is. It’s also possible she never learned how to deal with rejection. Or maybe she doesn’t have a good group of friends to call with her heartache – because it sounds like she needs someone to be a sounding board and to say, “Hey, I hear you, but there was no malice here. Let’s go get a pizza because you’re amazing.”

My guess is that it’s the dating fatigue thing. Three dates is a lot of time for emotional connection and sharing. She probably liked that a lot.

I hope she writes me a letter so I can work this out with her. (Also, I would love to her hear side of the story!)

But you can stop thinking about this. It was an experience, and now you have other priorities. Tell this woman you’re sorry you hurt her feelings, that it’s been a complicated divorce, and that you hope she finds everything she’s looking for. Then set a boundary and say it’s time to stop communicating.

I can’t tell you whether you should block her number. Sometimes it’s better to know when someone stops texting on their own. (I’d love people to say whether they’d block this contact after sending a last message.)

If you wind up single again, don’t assume this is the norm. Hopefully she’ll find another way to deal with being bummed.

Again, if you’re out there, Ms. Texting and Disappointed, I’m right here waiting for you.

I imagine she’d ask, “Is this all dating in your 40s is?”

– Meredith

Readers? What do you think the other side of this story might be? How do you stop communication with someone who isn’t happy with rejection?

Also, send your own question. I want to hear what’s on your mind about exes, dating, love, loss, frustrations, hopes, friendship, marriage, etc. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].