Did I just get a 'shut up ring'?

Monday | August 4, 2025

Love Letters Dating

Did I just get a ‘shut up ring’?

Have something on your mind about relationships or friendships? Send your own letter to [email protected] or, even easier, do it here.

Yes, it’s anonymous.

I have been in a long-term relationship for 20 years. We are both in our late 50s and he makes more than I do. I am not a gold digger; I love this man and have since I was in my 20s. I wanted to marry him then, too!

I want to get married. He doesn’t, says it’s “pointless.” All his friends are married, none are divorced that I know of, his parents had a great marriage. Now we are invited to another wedding where his friend is getting married at a resort after knowing his girlfriend for only seven years.

When is it our time? I was raised old school, however, he doesn’t want to move in together, has never lived with a girl, and is what I call a “lone wolf” personality. He doesn’t “need” someone.

Are my expectations too lofty? Is there something wrong with my wanting this relationship to move forward? Recently we went away together and he bought me a beautiful ring worth over $1,000. Is it a “shut up ring”? I’m a good mom (kids from a previous marriage), a good cook, and considered pretty, intelligent, funny, flirty, fun, etc. He feels that he doesn’t need society to tell him what to do. I don’t get it.

He knows it’s unfair to ask me to wait around for him and has expressed this to me and says, “I’m not where you’re at with logistics.” Am I asking too much at this point in our lives?

– Too Much?

You’re not asking for too much, but the two of you want different things.

For whatever reason, marriage makes this man uncomfortable. He wants his independence and he likes how things are now.

You’re going to have to decide whether you can be happy with this arrangement. There’s free will on both sides; if you want to be more partnered than you are now, you’ll have to find someone else.

My advice is to start this decision-making process by considering your most important desires and making sure you know where he stands.

Will he ever be open to living together? That seems to be a huge question. Marriage aside, will you ever share the same space?

What about being partnered in other ways? If something happened to one of you, would the other be on important paperwork? You don’t need to be married to get that done; you can draw up whatever legal documents you want. I wonder if he might be open to that.

Maybe not. After two decades, it might be the status quo or nothing.

I know it’d be difficult for you to leave this long relationship. But the ring wasn’t enough, and you’re allowed to want more.

It isn’t fair for him to ask you to wait – and that’s why he hasn’t. If he’s not anywhere close to taking next steps, take your own.

– Meredith

Readers? After 20 years together, is it worth waiting some more? Is this just about marriage, or also living together? Do you think her leaving might inspire him to rethink his goals?

What’s on your mind about relationships? Send your own letter to [email protected] or, even easier, do it here. Yes, it’s anonymous.