Dating Has Been Outside Of My Comfort Zone

Tuesday | June 13, 2023

Love Letters Dating

Dating Has Been Outside Of My Comfort Zone

Single and stressed? Coupled but it’s complicated? Have a question about your love life or lack thereof? Submit your own question here. You can also email [email protected]. I’m reading this weekend and ready to answer.

Hi Meredith,

I’m a 28-year-old man and I’ve been single my whole life. I know I need to overcome some issues in order to have more success in dating, but I’m skeptical that people can really change who they are.

My question is, basically, can you tell me about people you know who have done it? Is there hope for me? I’m flying blind with no role models. Here’s my current best guess on the “why are you single” question: I grew up in a supportive and functional but emotionally unexpressive home. I’m nerdy and a little autistic, and so while we never really knew how to talk about my issues, talking about math and science was always easy. I became avoidant, neurotic, and cynical. I’m gregarious when I’m in my comfort zone, but it’s a narrow comfort zone, and when I don’t know what’s going on (i.e. any time I’m in a dating context), my positive emotions shut down.

In some ways, I try hard and make good progress. Therapy is my favorite time of the week. I spend a week or two on dating apps each season. I do creative hobbies and am always going to new social activities. My dad commented recently that I’ve become much more comfortable in my own skin.

I gossip with friends and listen to podcasts like yours in the hopes that I won’t be as clueless or afraid when/if the time comes. But when I read old things I wrote when I was a kid (the language is different, but the issues are the same), or compare myself to others, the gap between where I am and where I feel I need to be feels enormous. Sometimes I wonder if it was a mistake to take “work on yourself first” so seriously to begin with. Like I said, I’m mostly just asking for community. I haven’t met anyone who thinks about their dating life and personal development the way I do. Have you? Where does the story go from here?

– A Slow Study

I used to think I had to work on myself – to become a more complete version of myself – before starting relationships. As if a perfect, final form of myself could be achieved, video game-style, with enough self-work!

Now I know we all spend our lives as works in progress – which is a relief. It goes on forever. It is not linear.

Sometimes it is best to refrain from dating if you’re not feeling up to it. But you don’t have to be in an ideal place, or have all the self-confidence in the world, to connect with others. If you feel pretty good about who you are how you’re growing, that’s enough. Most people date and work on themselves at the same time.

You ask whether I know people who’ve changed themselves for the better. You want role models. I don’t know anyone who’s altered themselves to an unrecognizable degree, but I know many people – including myself – who’ve learned to be more comfortable in relationships over time. I mean, you’re doing it now! You’re going to activities and trying new things. We can evolve, which is better than changing.

For the record, a lot of stuff I wrote when I was a kid hints at my present-day personality, even decades later. The other day I found a personal essay from high school in a box in my basement. This essay had many embarrassing feelings in it – very cringey. I know I’m the same person, but my skills are different now.

Some good news? You sound very self-aware. People love that – and the right partner will appreciate that you can put these insecurities and nuances into words. You can tell someone you like – maybe someone you meet during an extroverted moment – that it takes you a bit to warm up, that you love clear communication, and that even though you seem reserved, you can be gregarious when you’re comfortable.

Continue to test yourself with activities and dates, and maybe try the apps a little more often. Remember that people love being asked about themselves. In any uncomfortable moment, come up with questions, be curious, and listen.

Know that there isn’t a place you “need to be.” We’re all figuring it out as we go. I swear, that process never stops.

– Meredith

Readers? A pep talk? How have you working on yourself while in a relationship? How have you changed … but remained the same?

Dating

Featured Comment

I changed myself for the better so it is possible. I would totally recommend group therapy. My therapist recommended it and I reluctantly went. It wasn’t easy but it did wonders for me. And accept yourself as you are. You want to change your behaviors, but don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s true when they say you have to like yourself first before anyone else can.

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