Dating apps are terrible in college
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Q.
Hi Meredith,
I need to unpack my relationship with dating apps. I think I’m a little afraid of them. I consider my time on dating apps to be a vicious cycle – I get lonely, (re)download them, update my profile, immediately feel grossed out my options, and delete the app. I’m inexperienced and looking for a meaningful connection, and I feel like the type of profiles I see on apps are not exactly looking for … ahem … that.
I’m in college, so the general dating pool isn’t looking for anything serious. I’ve only had one in-person date from Hinge, and it was an utter disaster. The guy was great and funny on paper, but really strange in real life. He basically held me hostage in a Tatte for two and a half hours, telling vulgar stories. This made me even more distrustful of taking dating apps seriously.
Now, I can only treat them as a joke or a little game. I ghost every guy I match with, or the conversation fizzles out quickly. I strongly disagree with the hot-or-not nature of how these apps have become, and it makes me cringe to think of people judging my profile as I judge theirs. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to find connection out in the real world, but I’m finding it increasingly difficult.
How do I find make this easier – or make peace with the apps?
– Grossed Out
A.
Please come up with a system to leave a date.
Maybe find a friend who can call you 30 minutes in. You can ignore the interruption if you’re having a good time, or pick up as a way to excuse yourself with an emergency.
If you’re uncomfortable, you go. All my love to Tatte, but there is no fancy pastry worth two-plus hours of misery. You can always tell a date that you have plans in an hour.
I’ll validate that college is a complicated time. People are learning about themselves and trying new things. Maybe they’re less likely to want a serious connection. You could try a slightly older demographic … but then you’ll have to wonder why those people searching for someone in college.
You might have more luck with apps that give you less options a day. Coffee Meets Bagel limits the matches, I think. That can slow the pace. Maybe you’ll be less likely to ghost or be ghosted if the experience feels more intimate.
It does sound like you should pause your searches on the big dating apps. You don’t have the energy right now, and that’s OK.
Try to meet people in person, but be patient with the process. Seek out any strong connection – friendships count! – and maybe it will lead to love. Sign up for activities that will put you near likeminded peers. Try to have fun.
– Meredith
Readers? Advice for a college student? Advice, specifically, about how to get yourself out of a bad date? Outside-of-Boston people, do you know Tatte?
Be civil. Be kind.
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