Career Vs. Love

Thursday | February 4, 2016

Love Letters Dating

Career Vs. Love

Dear Meredith,

This summer, my boyfriend of over a year will be moving to the West Coast for his dream job at a big tech company. I don’t graduate with my bachelor’s until December, but we’ve already discussed what will happen, and he wants me to move to be with him. I said that I’d move as long as I got a job there, and as long as he agreed to move after three or four years so that I can attend graduate school. There are no graduate schools out there with the degree I want, so we would have to move.

I had always planned on moving to Washington D.C. after I finished undergrad because it has the most job opportunities for me and grad schools in my field of choice, and because it’s closer to where my parents live. I never planned on having such a serious, committed relationship in college, and I’m worried that by moving to the West Coast I’ll be giving up on my personal goals and what would be best for me. I love my boyfriend and could see myself living with him and marrying him, but I’m worried that he won’t want to move in a few years.

I’m just so conflicted about everything. I feel like it’s too soon to discuss things that will happen three or four years down the road, but I know that I can’t live out there forever if I want to have a successful career and attend graduate school. I don’t want to move unless I know that my boyfriend would move for me in the future. When he originally took this job, we had only been dating for nine months, but he didn’t really consult me on the decision.

Was it too soon in our relationship for him to consult me on this issue or is it a bad sign that he didn’t really ask me about it? Should I ask him if he would move for me in three to four years, or is it too soon? Or should I end the relationship and focus on my career? We’ve done long-distance before and we’ve agreed that any more than a year of distance probably won’t work for us. I feel like I am obsessing over the future, but I know these upcoming career and relationship decisions are going to affect my life significantly and I’m not sure what to do. My friends and family keep pressuring me to make a decision. I think about this constantly, but I can’t make up my mind and I have no idea what I should do. Please help!

– Career vs. Love

It’s too soon to ask for final answers about your future, but you can certainly talk to your boyfriend about whether he’s open to a move after a few years. He might tell you that he plans to live on the West Coast forever. Or maybe he’ll tell you he’d be psyched to relocate to Washington D.C. He’ll just be guessing, of course – you’ve only been together for a year – but it might make you feel better to hear that he’s flexible.

As you talk to him about his priorities, please consider your own. Will moving to the West Coast mean ignoring all of your goals? Are there any ways to advance your career while you’re out there? Think about how you can make this work for both of you, because I get the strong sense that you’re not going to be happy unless your career is part of the equation.

Also know that there are nine long months before December. Your relationship could be in a very different place by then. Tell your friends and family that there’s no need to make up your mind right now. You can make this decision in September or October. You can even make it in November. Use these months to figure out what makes you happy.

Readers? Should he have asked her about the job? Should she move with him?

– Meredith

Dating

Featured Comment

You never know where life will take you. But, having a conversation with him first about your hesitations (before you make any decisions) should be the priority at this point. If I were you, I’d be evaluating my relationship, it’s future potential and well….going with your gut.

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