Can't get this situationship out of my head

Tuesday | February 10, 2026

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Can’t get this situationship out of my head

Is there something on your mind about a relationship in your life? Send your own question. Help others wondering the same thing. Use the form – or email [email protected].

I am writing because I have no one to talk to about this and fear judgement. About three years ago, I met this guy from a city two hours from where I lived. I met him a month after my first-ever breakup, and we were hooking up on and off.

I kept growing feelings for him, and even confessed that to him …. many times. But the next time we met, it was always as if nothing happened.

I moved back to my hometown, but we hooked up twice before that, and he started ghosting me. Once I was settled in my hometown for a few months months, and after I had booked a ticket to Barcelona for a new journey, I felt over him for maybe 12 hours … until he messaged me. He said he would visit me in my hometown. Like a simp, I waited. Everyone told me not to reply to him, but I did. After that, he was less responsive and it was hot and cold.

Months later, I knew he was never coming to my hometown and messaged him that this cycle needed to end because I have feelings for him. This was last May. In November, I moved to Barcelona. Very far away. But I’m still holding onto to him. I can’t move on. I date guys, it goes OK, but those guys don’t work out for me, and then I go back to thinking about this guy.

I have been in Barcelona for a few months and have decided to move back to my hometown, even though the plan was supposed to be to live here for a year. I can’t help but feel like I’m limiting or sabotaging myself because I’m still not over him.

When I make plans for my future – because Barcelona isn’t working out for me – my plans end with me wanting to move back to the city where he lives. I don’t know what I want. I know I don’t want to move back to my hometown. I’m disappointed in myself for feeling homesick and wanting to leave Barcelona sooner than expected. My dating life is a dry spell and I’ve accepted that I should just be a cat lady with a stable job. I don’t know what to do; I just don’t feel like it’s healthy to have this one guy occupying my mind for over two years. It’s affecting my own personal development.

I feel like I don’t know myself because my personality just stems from other people. Barcelona was supposed to be a way for me to figure that out about myself, but I just don’t like living here because I crave stability. I don’t know what I’m saying. If you have any advice, please advise me with sensitivity.

– Help

Take a deep breath and be kind to yourself, because moving is a big deal.

It can make you feel lonely, tired, insecure, and confused. Of course you’re overwhelmed. Please know that some of these feelings are about coping with life in a new place.

You went on a journey to a new city to find yourself. It sounds cinematic, but I imagine it’s a lot of you staring at cool buildings and thinking, “What am I doing here?” It’s a lot of pressure.

You do seem to be getting something out of Barcelona. The trip has taught you that you want to find a place you can call home.

That takes us to your point about stability. You say you crave it. Well, this man from your situationship … he’s all instability. I guess that feels stable in its own way. You got used to the cycle – the ups and downs of his attention – and it began to feel normal.

Think about what is stable vs. familiar. His bad behavior was familiar, for sure. He was reliably unreliable.

My advice: get home and make plans. Imagine yourself as that cat lady – not because I think you’ll be a cat lady (no offense to cat ladies!) – but because it would be great to choose a new town, job, and lifestyle based on what you’d love on your own. Once you get there and set yourself up, you can add people to the mix. Friends, hobbies, food, and love.

Last thought: if you loved this man’s city, consider moving there. Don’t rule it out simply because he exists in that space. My guess is that even if you wind up down the street from him, he’ll be just as unreliable, so the proximity won’t matter.

I know people who moved to a place that put them closer to a not-so-great relationship. Now that city is theirs.

– Meredith

Readers? Should the LW give Barcelona more time? When you’re stuck thinking about someone, how do you … stop? Would you avoid his city?

Is there something on your mind about a relationship in your life? Send your own question. Help others wondering the same thing. Use the form – or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

You had the guts to move to another country. You’ve gotten out and dated other people. All adventures in life don’t have to be magical in order to be valuable. Don’t cut your trip short. Stay a while longer. Keep moving forward and your life will get better.

Philonia Share Thoughts