Can I Use Him For Company While I Look For Someone Else?
I’ll be moderating a really good book talk tonight – psychologist Molly Howes wrote an entire book about how and why people apologize. We’ll talk about how to apologize, when apologies work … high-profile apologies we’ve seen lately … anyway, sign up if you want. I’m going to ask her about some of our letters.
Also, send your own questions about all relationship things to [email protected].
Q.Dear Meredith,
I am a widow who has never dated. I ran off with the first man who looked at me when I was still a teenager. Forty years later, I’m dating for the first time. I have been pursued by a married man for over a year. The first nine months were spent assuring me that he was separated. He even brought me to his home to show me how they’ve lived completely separate lives for the last 10 years. Due to financial issues, he moved back into the lower level of the family home. I don’t believe him anymore. I believe he’s a married man cheating.
I am lonely. My counselor says I can keep this man as a “boy toy” while I continue to look for someone I want. Now I’m dating online. But I’ve only felt chemistry with this married man. I don’t have the problem of men not being interested; I tend to be the one who says, “I’ve enjoyed your company, yet we are not a match.” Would you advise that I continue to see this man? I don’t want him to leave his wife because I don’t want to take someone else’s partner away.
While I’m looking, can I enjoy the love of another?
– Looking
A.Your counselor advised you to continue to see this man? That surprises me. I’m going to have to disagree with that professional opinion.
I don’t think it will be possible for you to bond with any new person if 99.9 percent of your mind is on this other man. You’re comparing first dates to the time you spend with someone you’ve known for more than a year. You’re limiting your online dating experiences with this kind of overwhelming distraction.
Also, this man is not a boy toy (ugh, let’s never say “boy toy” again). He’s not some no-strings-attached partner you enjoy for physical attention. You have strong romantic feelings for him. You might even love him. Plus, you’re angry with him for lying (even if you haven’t leaned into that feeling). You don’t want to “take someone else’s partner away,” which means that every time you see him, you’re breaking your own rule. The baggage in this relationship only gets heavier.
I know you want to enjoy him. I assume the state of the world only makes his attention seem that much more important. But … this isn’t good for you. You don’t trust this man. Sometimes you have to make an empty space in your life before you can find someone to jump into it.
– Meredith
Readers? Do we agree with this counselor?
Be civil. Be kind.
Read our full community guidelines.To comment, please create a screen name in your profile
To comment, please verify your email address