I just turned 40 and I’ve been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend (let’s call him Matthew) for over a year now. We have an amazing connection that I’ve never felt with anyone else. He shares custody of his two preteens from a previous marriage. He is the first guy I’ve been with who has children. And I am the first woman he’s introduced his children to since his divorce. I see his kids a lot and we all get along pretty well, but to some degree there is tension because they feel like I’m “not their mother.” I’m also still feeling out and defining my role with respect to decision making and discipline since they are not my children. Matthew and I have talked about me moving in with him very soon and even getting engaged. He even told me that his kids are excited about it.

When Matthew and I first met, I made it clear to him that I wanted to be with someone who would consider having children in the future. (I never really wanted children with the men I had been in relationships with previously because I didn’t feel like it was the right time for me and they also weren’t the right men for me to have kids with.)

When we met, he told me he would consider having more and I was thrilled – but then he changed his mind a few months later and said that having a child is hard and he didn’t want to “do it all over again.” Then he changed his mind AGAIN later on, saying that he would consider it, but would not have any out of wedlock before we get married. I have no problem waiting until after we get married but I know that the longer we wait, the older we will be. He recently told me — last week, in fact — that his kids don’t want us to have a child together because they don’t want to compete for attention. I understand their concern but I told him that it’s not really his children’s decision to make, and I believe that as they get older they’ll cherish having another sibling. I also feel that bringing another child into the family would solidify us all, and make us ALL connected in a way that we are not now. (Despite how good things are with him and his kids, I feel like an outsider a lot because I’m officially not blood family).

As much as I love his kids, I really want a child of my own with him. I honestly don’t even know if I can have kids since I’ve never tried, but I’d like to try with him. I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately. He doesn’t understand why I want kids now, at this point in my life. All I can say is that I feel like I’ve found the one I want to have kids with and I know he is an amazing father. I continuously struggle with the possibility of leaving him and losing the man of my dreams or staying with him, running down my biological clock, and losing the opportunity to have children of my own. (Having a child on my own via a sperm bank is not something I want to pursue.) My heart breaks with either decision.

– Baby Talk