My Boyfriend Is Committed To Helping His Ex

Monday | March 23, 2020

Love Letters Dating

My Boyfriend Is Committed To Helping His Ex

My boyfriend and I are in our mid/late-30s and we have been dating for eight months. Things got very intense very quickly – we said we love each other after three weeks. I truly adore him. I have so much fun with him, and he pushes me to do things and pursue interests that I never thought I could. However, we keep having an argument about his roommate. She is his best friend and also his ex. He told me about her on our first date.

Initially it was a non-issue. As we started spending more time together, though, I started having problems with their relationship. At first it was definitely jealousy; they have a lot of history together and inside jokes I just don’t get. But I’ve worked through the jealousy and no longer see her as a threat. They lived separately before becoming roommates.

She has struggled with mental health and addiction issues, and they moved in together because they thought that would help her. However, her issues persist and now they’re bleeding into my life and relationship with him. Every new crisis involves her interrupting our time and plans we’ve made together. I’m at my breaking point. It’s painfully obvious that she needs serious professional help. I think he also needs help because he has allowed this very unhealthy relationship to continue.

I love him but her presence in my life is draining, and if I continue this relationship with him I feel like I’m signing on for having her in my life forever, which is something I do not want. I finally discussed this with him last night. I told him that something has to give and their relationship cannot continue in its current form. We talk about moving in together, but I don’t see that ever happening because he doesn’t want to abandon her. I feel like she will always come before me. I don’t know what to do anymore, but I’ll feel like a terrible person if I leave him over this. And I don’t want to leave him over this.

– Frustrated

First, you would not be a terrible person for leaving him because of this. You’re not OK with having a partner who feels responsible for the well-being of someone else. You don’t want to commit to two people, one of whom happens to be your boyfriend’s ex. If he can’t make changes, you can walk away. There’s nothing wrong that path if it means going with your gut.

But that’s not the desired outcome, of course. So what now?

You say you “told him that something has to give and their relationship cannot continue in its current form.” I guess I want to know more about what that means. It sounds like you both need guidance when it comes to setting boundaries. What kind of help has he pursued over the years? What changes do you expect him to make? Part of this is asking him to get help from the right kind of person. There are mental health professionals and organizations that focus on addiction and the experiences of family and friends. Talk to your boyfriend about a more specific plan.

I don’t know that a vague “see her less” or “don’t allow her to interrupt our time together” is enough. There has to be a map for that, drawn by someone who can assure your boyfriend he’s doing this in a healthy way.

You shouldn’t move in together until this is worked out.

– Meredith

Readers? How can this letter writer be supportive while setting boundaries?

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Featured Comment

Your boyfriend needs professional support as well as Al Anon. Your assumptions are on the spot. He might be able to get some coaching from a qualified substance abuse treatment program to enable him to set boundaries and get his ex the treatment she needs. good luck, painful I know.

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